Barely Breathing
by demonview
Summary: Slightly AU. JJ and Emily spent years being almost, but not quite, together. Then there's an unfortunate wedding. Two years later, Emily gets called back for a case. Will exists, but no Henry; Doyle was killed so Emily didn't have to fake her death. Unsure whether ending will be happy or not yet….
1. Chapter 1

Apologies to those of you wanting more of my R&I story. I'm just not feeling the love lately. So, here's what too much whiskey and relationship issues have created.

**WARNING: this story deals with suicide and self-injury. MAY BE TRIGGERING so read at your own risk.**

NOTE: I don't like it when whole sections are in italics or whatever, so flashbacks will be obviously marked at beginning and end, but won't be italicized.

**1. A prologue of sorts**

_I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry._

The words still echoed in JJ's mind, even as she put a smile on her face and exited the bathroom. Will was just waking up, a drunken grin appearing on his face when he saw his bride. JJ knew he wasn't actually drunk – not yet anyway – but his grin always made him look drunk. _Her_ smile never did, even when she was drinking. _Her_ smile made her whole face light up, made the whole room light up.

JJ shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. She was comparing them again. No matter how hard she tried, she kept thinking about how this ridiculous honeymoon would be different if it was with _her_.

_I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry._

JJ felt a lump in her throat choking her as the words echoed again. She swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears in her eyes from overflowing. Feeling Will's arms wrap around her, she shuddered away from him instinctually.

"What's wrong, chere?" he asked, his breath still smelling like vinegar and beer.

"Nothing's wrong, Will," she responded, forcing herself to lean backwards into his embrace. "I'm just a little cold." She hoped he believed the bare-faced lie.

"Well then let me warm you up, babe," his voice lowered, as if he was trying to sound sexy.

_Of course he believed me_, JJ thought. But _she_ wouldn't have. _She_ would have known. _She_ always knew. JJ felt a sudden jab at the small of her back and knew he was aroused. It was his usual response to her, regardless of her emotional state.

"Will, I –" she began, but was cut off when he quickly spun her around and pressed his lips against hers harshly. _Her_ lips were soft, gentle. _Her_ lips were –

_I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry._

JJ pushed Will's shoulders back as the words tore through her mind again. She pulled out of his arms and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her so he wouldn't hear her sobs. Tears ran freely from her eyes, and and her throat closed up. She coughed, trying to catch her breath, hands scratching at her neck, her chest.

_I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry._

JJ leaned over the porcelain seat, her stomach heaving, bringing up everything she had tried to eat yesterday. And more. The bitter taste stung her throat as she coughed up the clear liquid called – JJ didn't remember. _She_ would have known. _She_ always knew. Tears welled up in JJ's eyes again, this time softly, regretfully.

_I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry._

_No, Em, I'm the sorry one_, JJ thought. _I should have done things differently, I just…_ She sighed, remembering the hurt look on Emily's face when Will announced their engagement, the anguished tone of her voice as she said congratulations, the hitch in her breath as she hugged JJ before surreptitiously slipping out of the room. _I didn't even notice she was gone. What kind of friend does that make me? What kind of…whatever we were…_

JJ's thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the bathroom door. She didn't know how long she had been sitting there crying, but the sound jarred her.

"JJ, are you still upset about last night?" she heard Will ask through the door.

_Last night? Oh, he must mean our argument about having kids._ "No, Will, I'm not upset about last night," JJ answered, hoping her voice didn't betray just how upset she really was – about the emails she had received this morning.

_I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry._

Another sob ripped through JJ's body.

"Tell me what's going on, then, chere." He sounded worried, and JJ heard his hand turning the doorknob slowly, then repeatedly as he realized it was locked. "Let me in, JJ," he demanded.

"Will, damnit! Just give me a minute!" she replied, raising her voice in anger at his tone.

"Alright, JJ," he backed off. "I'll be here when you're ready."

JJ fell to her knees, sobbing again. _I'm sorry, Em, I'm so sorry_.

x-x

Will pressed his ear to the door and heard his new wife crying again. He sighed. He knew she was disappointed when Emily left the party without saying goodbye, but that was two days ago. _Damn woman almost ruined my wedding night, but I'll be damned if she ruins my honeymoon_, he thought, his beady eyes narrowing further. _If she had anything to do with this, I'll kill her_.

Still hearing his wife crying, Will crept over to her purse and took out her phone. As soon as the screen lit up, he saw that an email from _her_ was open. He read to himself, "I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry." _What the hell is that supposed to mean?_ he wondered.

Will took a quick look at the bathroom door, checking to make sure that his wife was still locked inside. Shaking his head, he thought, _I should have stopped her from seeing that bitch a long time ago_.

He navigated through his wife's emails until he found one from Garcia; he could hear her frantic and annoying voice even through the text. "Hey sweetpea, Emily just told us that she's leaving the team and moving to London! She's going back to Interpol! Did you know? We'll talk when you get back! And don't forget I want details about the honeymoon!"

_That fucking bitch! This IS about her! She's MY wife, damnit!_ Will's own audible growl brought him out of his angry reverie. He quickly replaced his wife's phone and sat on the bed, trying to figure out how he was going to take _his_ wife's mind off of _her_.

x-x

_I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry._

As soon as she pressed the send button, Emily felt a tear escape her eye. She was sitting in first class on her way to London already. She knew that if she waited to say goodbye to JJ in person that she wouldn't be able to leave. And so, despite Garcia's protests, she was leaving. Within two days, she had packed up her life and watched as it was placed on the shipping company's truck, soon to be placed on a ship to be delivered to her new address. She had resigned from the FBI and informed her mother, the Ambassador. And here she was on a plane, trying not to cry, as she left a woman who had never wanted her in the first place. Sending a pathetically incomplete goodbye email in a poor attempt to feel less guilty, knowing that Garcia wouldn't wait until after JJ's honeymoon to tell her that she had left.

Emily sighed heavily, leaning her head on the window and staring out at the clouds. Her mind drifted back to the day JJ had first kissed her. It was not too long after she joined the BAU, and they had been stuck in a hotel room, having danced around their clear attraction to each other for months….

x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x

"I can't believe it!" JJ stormed in the door, slamming it behind her.

"Can't believe what?" Emily asked, looking up from her book. She had been laying on the bed, her head and shoulders propped up with pillows, as she leisurely re-read Slaughterhouse Five.

"They closed the airport!" JJ replied. "We're stuck here until at least tomorrow!" JJ paced back and forth in the small space between the bed and the wall.

"Ok, that sucks, but why are you so agitated?" Emily spoke softly, concerned about the blonde that she had fallen for on the first day they had met.

JJ growled wordlessly, leaning her head face-first on the wall.

"You can talk to me, Jay," Emily encouraged, the shortened version of the name falling easily from her lips, though she had never before said it out loud. She placed her book on the night stand next to her, focusing all of her attention on the oddly distraught blonde.

JJ sighed audibly, then laid down next to Emily on the only bed in the room they shared. "I had a spa day scheduled tomorrow."

Emily tried to keep the smile off of her face. "That's why you're so upset?"

"There was going to be a special clay bath and a massage with aromatic oils and a manicure and pedicure and it was going to be soooo relaxing! And best of all, it was going to be a full day away from the unsubs and the paperwork! The endless paperwork!" JJ heard a soft cough-like sound and looked over at Emily, who was biting her lip. "Are you laughing at me?" she demanded.

"Of course not, JJ," Emily began, the laughter bubbling out of her, "but you have to admit, the situation is rather amusing."

JJ blushed, turning her face away from the brunette. "Ok, I know it seems silly, but I was really looking forward to it," she tried to rationalize her behavior.

Emily took pity on the disappointed woman that she had fallen for way too easily. "Well, I can't really help with the clay thing, but I think we can figure out the rest of it."

JJ raised her head up, a hopeful glint in her eyes. "Really?"

"Really," Emily replied, standing up and walking to the bathroom, followed by JJ's confused eyes.

The claw-footed bathtub fit the small hotel's old fashioned motif perfectly, and Emily started the hot water running before finding the stopper to fill the tub. She looked through the small bottles of toiletries provided by the hotel, and chose the bubble bath that smelled most like JJ. She placed two towels on the radiator to warm up while JJ was relaxing.

Exiting the bathroom, she said, "Your bath awaits, my lady." She bowed, gesturing to the open bathroom door.

JJ gave Emily a strange look. "Are you serious, Em?"

Emily felt her insides clench, the way they always did when JJ used her nickname. "Yes. Go relax and enjoy. I'll be back in a bit," she replied, pulling on her boots and grabbing her wallet as she left the room.

Downstairs in the lobby, Emily convinced the bored desk clerk to help her, which wasn't difficult, and the two of them managed to find two 'morrocan spice' scented candles (only half burned) and a random travel-sized bottle of baby oil (still sealed, thankfully). The lost-and-found was indeed a wonderfully useful thing. The desk clerk also happened to have some dark purple nail polish that she willingly donated to the cause. Emily's own scarcely-used, cinnamon-scented hand lotion and nail file would complete the necessities.

Smiling, Emily brought her treasures upstairs and quietly entered the room. Luckily, JJ was still in the bathtub, so Emily set up the candles, dimmed the lights, and mixed enough baby oil into the bottle of lotion to make it the right consistency. She knocked on the bathroom door, inquiring, "JJ?"

"Oh, Em, this was a great idea. I feel better already," JJ replied, the breathy tone in her voice making Emily's heartbeat quicken.

"I'm glad to hear that," Emily said. "When you're ready, wrap yourself up in the warm towels on the radiator and come lay on the bed."

"Lay on the bed?" JJ asked flirtatiously. "What exactly do you have planned, Agent Prentiss?"

Emily's breath hitched at JJ's tone. "You'll find out when you get out here, Agent Jareau." She loved this flirtatious banter far more than she thought she should, but it had been a part of their friendship since the beginning.

Emily heard JJ chuckle as the water began to drain from the tub, then moan as she felt the heated towels. Emily closed her eyes and swallowed, thinking about how much she would love to be the cause of such sounds coming out of JJ's mouth.

"Where on earth did you find candles, Emily?" JJ demanded.

Emily turned around and couldn't prevent a gasp from escaping her lips at the sight of JJ's bare shoulders and legs, and damp hair. JJ raised one eyebrow at her, and Emily rolled her eyes. JJ knew that Emily liked women, but as far as Emily knew, JJ was straight. Not to mention consistently dating one annoying man or another. "Ok, lay down on your stomach," Emily ordered.

"Yes, ma'am," JJ smirked as she complied.

Emily took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. She was doing this to make JJ feel good, not to get into her pants. Or towels. Or whatever. She walked the short distance to the side of the bed, placed a few drops of the lotion/oil mixture on her hands and rubbed them together to warm it up. Pulling down the towel covering JJ's back, she met the blonde's eyes and said, "If you're uncomfortable, just let me know and I'll stop, ok?"

JJ smiled warmly. "Ok," she agreed simply, closing her eyes.

Emily stood beside the bed as she began to massage JJ's shoulders with smooth, even strokes, her palms and fingers working in unity to relax the tension in her muscles. The lotion's perfume rose around the women, and Emily closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation of touching JJ's bare skin.

JJ moaned softly as Emily's hands worked their way down her back. "God, Em, where did you learn to do that? It feels amazing."

Emily licked her lips and remained silent, focusing on relieving as much of the tension in JJ's back as possible. When she reached a certain spot on JJ's waist, Emily heard JJ squeak slightly.

"Ticklish, are you?" she inquired, keeping her voice low so as not to spoil the relaxed atmosphere she was trying to create.

JJ squeaked again as Emily's hands danced over that spot. "Not ticklish, just…" She squeaked once more, and Emily could tell that her breathing had sped up. "You shouldn't touch me there, Em."

Emily could see that JJ's body language didn't match her words. "Do you really want me to stop, Jay?" she asked, her voice breathless and her hands moving farther down JJ's back to the top of her ass, pulling the towel down farther as she continued the massage.

"No," JJ breathed, opening her eyes to gaze into Emily's. "I want you to kiss me." She rolled onto her back and reached up, grabbing the back of Emily's neck with both hands and bringing her face down to mesh their lips together.

Emily let out a startled moan, which JJ took as an invitation to deepen the kiss and plunge her tongue into the brunette's mouth. Emily grasped JJ's waist lightly with one hand, holding herself up with the other as she climbed onto the bed, one knee between the blonde's legs. She felt more than heard JJ squeak as her fingers dug into that particular spot on JJ's waist. Then, before she could react, Emily felt herself being rolled over onto her back and whimpered as JJ broke the kiss, stradling one of Emily's thighs, her hands on the mattress on either side of Emily's head.

Looking up, Emily saw the stunningly topless woman smile broadly and use one hand to move her damp hair out of the way. "My god, you're beautiful," Emily breathed, her fingertips tracing a path up from JJ's waist to the curve of her breasts. JJ's back arched, and Emily took advantage of her position to lean upwards to kiss JJ's neck. JJ moaned aloud, sending a jolt of electricity directly to Emily's core. Emily rolled JJ to her back again, sucking and licking over JJ's collar bone, around the inner slope of one breast, and finally taking one nipple in her mouth to bite down gently. Every new sensation drew increasingly fast breaths and louder moans from the blonde, noises that Emily never wanted to stop hearing.

x-END FLASHBACK-x

Emily's mind stopped there, before the harsh sob could escape her lips, before the threatening tears escaped her eyes. She blinked and shook her head vigorously, bringing her mind back to the present. For five years now, she had been torturing herself. Watching as the woman she loved dated other people, loved other people, lost other people. Emily remembered promising her almost on a regular basis that she wouldn't leave, that she would always be there. Even if it was just as a friend. Sometimes with benefits. Or whatever.

Until that god-awful case in New Orleans, when _he_ walked into their lives. Emily hadn't exactly been happy with the way things were. Of course she wanted more, but she was willing to take whatever she could get. Whatever would keep her close to . . .

_Fuck_, Emily thought. _I can't even think her name without starting to cry._ She pushed the call button to summon a flight attendant and asked for a whiskey, hoping that she could get drunk enough to forget. For a while, at least.

When the whiskey arrived, she asked the attendant to wait for a moment. Then she downed the glass in one gulp and asked for a refill. He gave her a strange look as he walked away, but soon returned with another glass. When he asked if she was alright, all Emily could do was laugh as the tears began to fall.


	2. two years later

**WARNING: this story deals with suicide and self-injury. MAY BE TRIGGERING so read at your own risk.**

2.** Two Years Later**

Emily loved London. She felt like the almost endless rain suited her dislike of sunlight, that the strange shops were geared to those with her eclectic taste in fashion, and that it was different enough from DC that not everything she saw reminded her of what she had left behind.

Emily loved her new job, too, despite the red tape she always had to work around. She loved the challenge of managing multiple cases, of organizing several teams into a coherent unit that had already caught more criminals than it had under her predecessor, who had the job for almost ten years. She even secretly loved the bureaucracy. It gave her more than enough complicated paperwork to keep her mind and body at work for almost twelve hours a day, seven days a week.

Emily loved the agents she worked with, too, even if they were sometimes a little bit too curious about her private life. She smiled to herself as she walked down the hallway, thinking that if they knew she lived almost like a nun they'd never leave her alone. Apparently her undercover exploits were "legendary" and "bloody brilliant" – whatever that was supposed to mean – and she supposed she should just accept the complements, but it grated on her last nerve when they asked for stories. So she always declined their invitations to go out for lunch, or drinks, or dinner, or even coffee. She told herself that it was to keep from having to discuss her past, but she knew it was really so that she could avoid becoming personally attached to any of them. She even resorted to making poor Sergio a "boyfriend" again, chuckling internally whenever someone asked about him.

Emily did love Sergio, of course. He was a very loving cat, even if Emily did feel somewhat bad about using him as a fake boyfriend on multiple occasions. But nonetheless, Emily liked coming home to someone, even if it was a covers-hogging ball of fur. And she liked that Sergio would listen to her moping, her self-pity, and her remorse, without judgment or accusations.

No matter how much Emily loved her new life, though, she was slowly falling apart. She worked herself ragged, slept rarely and never well, and drank far too much for her own good. Sometimes she substituted whiskey for food, convincing herself that the calorie count would even out in the long run.

Sometimes, Emily thought about going out, meeting someone, maybe even having a real life, getting close to someone again. But then Emily thought about _her_ and stared at the one picture she had saved. _She_ looked so happy, as if _she_ even had love and desire in her eyes. _Perhaps it was only amusement at the photographer_, Emily thought, but then corrected herself. No, _she_ was never like that. _She_ had never lied, had never offered more than what they had. _No, I lied to myself. Convinced myself that it was more. That it could be more. That as long as she came home to me, they didn't matter, and I couldn't have been more wrong. Never again._

As she walked through the building to her office, Emily grabbed her left wrist with her right hand, rubbing her thumb along the still-raised scar that had precipitated her last "vacation," the way she had taken to doing whenever thoughts of _her_ ran through her mind. The vaguely autistic motion soothed her enough to keep the self-hatred at bay until she got home and could cry into poor Sergio's soft black fur.

"Hey, boss, how was your weekend?" An obnoxious voice broke into Emily's thoughts.

"It was fantastic, William," she replied. "Just stellar." Emily knew the irrational hatred she had for the agent was based solely upon his parents' unfortunate choice of name, but no matter how much she tried to be nice, she still hated him. Luckily his understanding of sarcasm was virtually non-existent so he hadn't asked for a transfer yet, unlike the agent he replaced, whose parents had also chosen a poor name for his future with Interpol.

"That's brilliant, boss!" he said to her back, as she kept up her fast pace, getting to her office as quickly as possible.

Emily just rolled her eyes, making a red-haired agent bite her lip to keep from laughing, and kept walking in silence, closing her office door behind her just before the tears started. Emily sometimes wondered if there was a conspiracy of men named William who had chosen to plague her life forever just because they could. She was going to have to transfer this one soon, or else she was going to end up losing it somewhere that wouldn't give her enough time to build up the walls of her mental compartments before someone saw her break down. And she wasn't about to let that happen. _Never again._

x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x

Emily left Sergio with her neighbor, Mrs. Garry, a nice elderly woman who watched him when Emily had to leave town for work. She always had a bag of Sergio's favorite treats just in case he came to visit; she would take good care of him. Emily didn't want the poor cat to watch her suffer. Or get so hungry that he started munching on her face. Emily was a realist, after all. Most of the time.

She licked her lips as the blood flowed from the deep cuts on her wrists. She reached out her weakened arm to bring the half-empty bottle of Johnny Walker to her lips. Or perhaps it was half-full. Emily didn't know, or care, at this point. She was simply trying to dull the pain. The alcohol didn't do it anymore. But the knives had. Almost.

She had toyed with the idea of just pulling the trigger and getting it all over with, but that left so little to chance. And Emily needed one last chance, one last hope. If it wasn't meant to be, she would die before anyone found her. She couldn't force herself to leave without at least that. Emily wasn't religious, but she liked to think that somehow there was something bigger, something that decided, yes, this was meant to be. Or it wasn't.

The bottle dropped from Emily's shaking hand, and she laid down on the floor, not quite able to remain upright any longer. Emily smiled as she felt a warm wetness begin to reach her cheek. Four tries and she had finally gotten the cuts deep enough. She inhaled deeply, the coppery tang stinging her throat, her lungs. Emily's eyes began to close, and she heard her own laughter as the darkness closed in.

Then she heard voices, arguing. Her eyes wouldn't open, but she felt the hospital bed beneath her. Were those her agents' voices? The doctors perhaps? Emily's throat felt like a desert, dry and sandy and devoid of life. She coughed, and the voices stopped. Until one said, "Emily? Open your eyes for me, love, please." She recognized that irish brogue. Agent Sage Montague. _Shit, _Emily thought. _How is she ever going to respect me now? I should have thought of this before._

Emily kept her eyes shut, hoping that maybe it was all a bad dream. But soon enough, she felt fingers running gently through her hair. "Why didn't you just talk to me, Em?" Sage whispered, the tears evident in her choked voice. "You know I'm here for you. Always."

Emily wanted to believe her, but she still couldn't force herself to open her eyes, and the darkness overwhelmed her again.

This time, when she woke up, there was no one around. Opening her eyes, Emily assessed the situation soundlessly. She was attached to various monitors, so she wouldn't have much time to get away before they brought her back. And that would lead to even more mandatory psychiatric treatment – probably in-patient. God, she hated hospitals. And she really needed to use the bathroom.

Emily sighed, wondering if she should press the nurse call button. She felt fine physically, but they always hated it when you tried to do things on your own. _Oh, screw it_, she thought. _Maybe if I annoy them enough, they'll let me out of here sooner_. Emily chuckled softly at her own ability to delude herself, yet still pulled the pulse-oxygen sensor off of her finger, immediately causing a loud beeping noise to ring throughout the room.

x-END FLASHBACK-x

Emily shook her head to clear her mind before she answered the phone. "Prentiss."

"We got another hit, boss," William's voice informed her. Emily rolled her eyes, the way she always did when he called her that. "The Fortune Teller's back."

"Where?" she demanded.

"Washington, D.C." he said quickly.

"Oh, fuck me," Emily muttered as she hung up on her agent and walked out of her office to join the rest of her team. "What do we know, Sage?" she asked the redhead, attempting to avoid having to listen to the overly-eager William.

"Caught a hit on the international database. M.O. was entered into the system by a D.C. police officer named LaMontagne early this morning," Sage explained. Then, seeing the expression on Emily's face, she continued slowly, "Looks like they've already called in the FBI, too."

"Let me guess," Emily said wryly. "The BAU contact is Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner."

Sage's eyes widened as she realized that it was Emily's old team. "Oh, shite! We can hand it off to Wilson's team, Emily. We don't have to go."

"Why would we hand it off?" Agent Tom Fitchley asked curiously. "It's been our case since the beginning!"

Emily rolled her eyes, wondering once again why it was so difficult to find perceptive agents. "We're not handing the case off, Fitchley," she told him. "We're going to get a phone call shortly asking us to go to DC. Then some of us are going to get on a plane."

"How could you possibly know –" Fitchley's voice was cut off by the sound of the phone ringing.

Emily sighed and pressed a button on the phone, putting it on speaker. "Hi, Hotch. How's things?"

"Hi, Emily," Hotch replied, chuckling softly to himself at Emily's strange ability to always know who was calling her, even when the caller ID was blocked. It was one of the many things he missed about the brunette. "Things would be better if you could come out to DC and help us catch the Fortune Teller."

"We'll catch an overnight flight and be there in the morning," she responded.


	3. guess who's back

3.** Guess Who's Back**

All Emily had time to notice when she walked through the door to the conference room at the BAU was the look of shock on JJ's face and the wedding ring still on her finger; before she knew it, the blonde's arms were wrapped tightly around her and a sweet voice whispered in her ear, "Do you have any idea how much I've missed you?"

Emily closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She didn't want to enjoy the way JJ's hair smelled, the way JJ's lithe body fit within the circle of her arms so naturally. "About half as much as I missed you," she whispered back hoarsely, giving in for a moment at the feel of JJ's breath on her neck, before she put on her Agent Prentiss face and began to back away.

Taking pity on the brunette, Morgan joked, "Hey, no fair hogging our English royalty!" He pulled Emily into an embrace of his own. "You okay, Princess?" he whispered.

"I'm fine, Morgan," she replied, and Morgan almost didn't recognize her voice. It sounded so . . . empty. When Emily stepped back, he looked at her, confused.

Emily ignored Morgan's look and introduced her new team to her old team, trying to keep her voice even. Then Garcia entered the conference room and ran over to hug her, but stopped just short of touching the brunette as she noticed Emily's cold demeanor.

Sensing the tension building at Emily's appearance, Hotch decided to at least postpone the eventual discussions that clearly needed to be had. "We can all catch up later. Now, we need to talk about the Fortune Teller."

Emily nodded and began. "The Fortune Teller has been on Interpol's radar for about seven years. He's organized, intelligent, and consistent. His M.O. is a little bit different every time, but with each body, he leaves his calling card: a fortune."

"Do you mean like from a fortune cookie? With lucky numbers and everything?" Garcia asked.

"Yep," Emily replied.

"I may never be able to eat house special lo mein again," Garcia whispered, smiling slightly as Morgan put one hand on her shoulder comfortingly.

Sage pulled a picture out of one of her files and handed it to Emily, who had Garcia project it onto the screen. "This is the Fortune Teller's most recent English victim. As you can see, this unsub is not afraid to get dirty," Emily commented as the agents gazed at the remains, which resembled nothing so much as raw ground beef, particularly around the groin area.

Morgan winced. "That had to hurt."

"Indeed," Reid chimed in. "Given the amount of blood at the scene, the victim was clearly alive when he was . . . ravaged."

"Where did you find his head?" Rossi asked.

"Several kilometers away," Sage responded, her face slightly green. "On a stake."

"I'm almost afraid to ask, but where was the fortune?" Morgan also looked as if he was going to be sick.

"Inside a cookie, shoved into his mouth," Emily answered stoically. She gesured at Sage, who passed her another picture to display on screen. "This was his first victim, at least that we're aware of. As you can see from the condition of the body, it took a while for the German authorities to find her."

Reid had been quickly reading over the full file, a paper copy of which Garcia had printed for him from Emily's email. "How did they determine that she was raped? There was barely any soft tissue left."

Fitchley replied, speaking so quickly that the American agents had difficulty understanding his accent. "They brought in this amazing forensic anthropologist who detected minute traces of blood from what must have been extensive vaginal trauma. It was fascinating to see how much evidence she could detect with so little to work with. Did you know that they can actually use sound waves to break up – "

"You can tell Reid all about it later, Fitchley," Emily interrupted. "This victim is the only one still unidentified. Could be that she meant something to the unsub, set him off somehow."

Morgan had been going through the file as well. "He's totally obsessed with destroying the victims' genitals. Maybe he was abused as a child and now he's lashing out at his former abusers?"

Rossi asked, "Did they actually find a fortune on a body this decomposed?"

"Not exactly," Emily replied. "A series of numbers was carved into a nearby tree. No one connected it until Germany finally started entering their weird unsolved cases into the international database. Interpol had already connected a few other cases when this one popped up."

"When did he start leaving fortunes?" Reid asked.

"That's a good question," Sage replied. "Seems like he killed this poor girl and then waited five years before we found the first fortune on a victim in Rome."

"Who named him the Fortune Teller?" Morgan asked curiously.

"Some asshat reporter doing a story on unsolved cases in Paris," Emily replied. "Only the French could be so overdramatic."

"Since when don't you like the French?" Fitchley looked at her curiously. "Didn't you just go to Paris on vacation a few months ago?"

"That was different." Changing the subject, Emily asked, "Now, what info do we have about the most recent victim here in D.C.? As far as we can tell, this is his first kill in the U.S."

JJ replied, "It wasn't. Turns out a lot of local departments don't like to put their cases into the system; afraid the feds will take over, steal the glory, or whatever. Will and his partner did some digging through state channels and turned up six other homicides with almost the same MO."

"Six?" Sage questioned. "Where?"

"Two in Chicago, one in Boston, one in New York, and one in Miami," Reid replied, having read all of the files already.

"Shite," Sage whispered as Emily sat down heavily, her face drained of blood.

"What is it?" JJ asked, her face clearly concerned.

"It all fits," Emily whispered.

"What fits?" Morgan demanded, having never seen his colleague look so shaken up.

"Except for Germany," Sage replied, "they're all places that Em has lived. Rome, Paris, London, Tel-Aviv –"

"Germany fits," Emily cut off her agent's recitation of where bodies had been discovered.

"When did you live in Germany, Em?" Sage asked. "You've never told me about that."

"It was a long time ago," the brunette replied absently. "I'll tell you about it later."

"Screw Germany," Morgan chimed in. "When did you live in Miami?"

Emily couldn't think of an answer. She was having trouble breathing and grabbed at her chest with one hand, her mouth wide open and her eyes closed.

"Emily?" JJ got up from her seat and walked over to the brunette.

"Shite," Sage whispered again. She knelt down in front of Emily, rubbing her hands up and down the brunette's arms. "It's okay, Em. Just breathe."

Emily tried to listen to her friend's voice, but the memories pulled her back, no matter how much she fought.

x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x

It had been a long day, a long week. Of course, _he_ had to show up to identify his friend's body. _What a moron_, she thought. _Who doesn't realize their so-called best friend is gay?_ Emily rolled her eyes in contempt as she opened her hotel room door. _Probably the same jackass who doesn't realize his girlfriend is sleeping with her best friend behind his back. What the hell does she see in him?_ She choked on that thought, the sobs erupting unbidden from her lips as she sank to the floor and leaned against the door.

Hearing a knock, Emily coughed, trying to clear her throat. "Who is it?" she asked, as if she needed to. She knew who it would be. Who it always was.

"Em, stop avoiding and let me in," JJ replied.

Emily sighed and stood up. The blonde knew her so well, better than anyone ever had. Emily opened the door half way to ask, "What do you want?"

"I want you to come out to dinner with me and Will," JJ replied.

Emily laughed, then stopped when she saw the hurt expression on JJ's face. "Wait, you're serious?"

"He wants to meet my friends, Em."

"I've met him before, JJ."

JJ rolled her eyes. "I meant in a social setting. Don't be weird about this, please."

"Weird?" Emily asked, arching an eyebrow, still hoping that JJ was joking.

"You know what I mean," JJ replied sharply.

"Sorry, I have plans," Emily said confidently.

"We're like a thousand miles from home and all of your friends are sleeping in this hotel." JJ's anger was beginning to show. "What plans could you possibly have?"

"I'm meeting Mr. Jack and Mr. Daniels down at the bar in about an hour."

"Please stop trying to make a joke out of this, Em," JJ pleaded.

"Who's joking?" Emily asked.

"Please, Em, you're supposed to be my friend, and I love him. Just make an effort!"

"I've been nothing but pleasant to the jackass." Emily knew it would start a fight but was unable to help herself.

"Oh, give me a break!" JJ's face flushed with anger. "You give him dirty looks anytime he so much as touches me!"

"He's not good enough for you."

"And you are?"

Emily tried to maintain her calm, but it was hard not to react to the physical pain she felt at the disbelief in blonde's words. "I never said I was. But neither is he."

"I'm not asking you to love him, Em –"

"Good, cause that's not gonna happen."

JJ continued, as if she hadn't been interrupted, "I'm just asking you to be nice and come out to dinner with us."

"Sorry, I told you. I have plans."

"With Jack and Daniels?" JJ asked bitterly. "Or was it Johnny and Walker?"

"Well, I was going to go with Mr. Belvedere, but now you've ruined the punchline."

Morgan's voice yelled from down the hall, "Princess, is that you? We still drinking tonight?"

"Yeah, Captain," she called back. "I'll meet you in the bar as soon as I change."

"You weren't joking about having plans?" JJ said softly.

"I never lie to you, Jay," Emily replied.

"And what if I had asked you before you had a chance to get Morgan to cover your ass?" JJ asked.

"Then I would have told you that I didn't want to go, and that if you were really my friend, you would respect my feelings," Emily said, watching the blonde's gaze fall to the floor.

"Ouch. A guilt trip? Really?"

"Dinner with you and your boy-toy? Really?"

JJ sighed. "Is it really so wrong of me to want my best friend and my boyfriend to get along?"

"If I was only your best friend, then it wouldn't be."

"Em, don't do this now," JJ said, her tone exasperated.

"I didn't start this, Jay." Emily felt her chest constrict and knew she was close to tears again. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to change." She shut the door in JJ's face and slid to the floor again, holding her breath until she heard JJ's footsteps walking away, when she let her sobs overwhelm her once again.

- u comin dwn? – The vibration of her phone at Morgan's text made Emily jump.

- or u could bring a bottle up – she replied.

- don't make urself a liar. Come check out the hotties! –

Emily chuckled, knowing that Morgan meant well. – sorry, don't think I'm up to it –

- u have to! Don't leave me alone with all these lovely ladies –

Emily rolled her eyes, fully aware that the lovely ladies wouldn't mind a bit.

- c'mon, princess. It's a fuckin gay bar! – This text almost made Emily choke.

- r u reading my mind? Was just thinkin how the ladies wouldn't miss me –

- u could make a certain blond lady real jealous. trust my baby grl to book us rooms at a hotel with a fuckin gay bar just to mess w me –

Emily sighed. Morgan must have been bored if he was sending such long texts, but it was a really low blow to bring up JJ.

- c'mon, princess. She's here at the restaurant, will know you were lying –

_Fuck_, Emily thought. _So much for curling up with a bottle until I cry myself to sleep again_. -ok, be down in a few - _Not like I have a choice._ But she was grateful for the warning; the last thing she wanted tonight was another visit from an angry JJ.

x-END FLASHBACK-x

Emily finally began breathing normally again, and she stood up, wiping the tears off of her face. She hated it when she got this way, especially when it was over something so stupid. Just a random event from what she thought of as her past life. She always thought that if she ever had actual flashbacks it would be from her days undercover, or cases she'd been through with the BAU, or even Ian Doyle. But no, all it took was the gorgeous blonde she had tried to run away from two years prior.

"Em?" JJ whispered, putting a hand on the brunette's shoulder.

Emily shrugged off the blonde's hand, steeling her face and burying her emotions as deeply as she could. Turning to the group, she said flatly, "Sorry about that. We were talking about the American cases, yes?"

"Em?" Sage repeated the inquiry as all the agents looked at the brunette curiously. "Tu m'as dit que tu n'étais pas d'avoir des crises plus."

"Je mentais," Emily replied. "Nous en parlerons plus tard."

"Me parle maintenant, bien-aimée," Sage replied.

"Plus tard, nous irons à l'hôtel et discuter, mais maintenant, concentrons-nous sur le cas," Emily said. "American cases, anyone?" She looked at the group and tried to ignore the redhead.

"Promets-moi," Sage demanded.

"D'accord. Je tu promets," Emily said, rolling her eyes. "Tu sei così frustrante a volte," she muttered.

"And don't switch to Italian on me, cara mia." Sage smiled at the brunette. "I've been taking lessons."

Emily sighed. "You're ridiculous, you know that, right?"

"Only when I have to be, my friend," Sage replied. "So, American cases?" She turned to look at the group.

"Emily?" Morgan asked softly.

"I'm fine, Morgan," she replied. "It happens sometimes. Can we please move on and talk about the case?"

"We can't ignore the possible connection to you, Emily," Hotch said.

"I know," she sighed.

Hotch tried to organize the two teams. "Ok, we should follow up on the potential local connection to Germany. So, Reid, why don't you work with Agent Fitchley on that. Morgan, Rossi, I want you to look into the abuse angle, see what you can come up with."

As Hotch was speaking, Emily stood next to him with her arms folded and a small smirk on her face. She wasn't used to taking orders anymore, but it felt good to just be one of the team again. Her team. Her family. Until her gaze passed over JJ, making Emily's chest tighten painfully. She swallowed hard, willed herself not to panic again, and gripped her left wrist with her right hand, feeling the raised scar tissue through the sleeve of her suit jacket. _Never again_, she told herself, the half-smile fading from her face.

Sage was studying Emily's expression, not understanding how the brunette could act so passive, when usually she would be the one directing the investigation. The redhead was used to her boss being aggressive, and this silent version of Emily reminded her of the childhood friends they once were, before the brunette had been forced to move to the middle east. This was the Emily she remembered, suppressing her feelings, putting them into mental boxes so she could focus on helping others. The friend who she had been so happy to find again after so many years, the woman she was proud to work with, the one who had kept everyone else at a distance, except for her. Sage noticed Emily's mouth tighten and her hand cover her wrist. _I will get her through this, _Sage promised herself. _I will not let her fall into that darkness again._ The redhead's eyes narrowed as she glared at JJ.

Emily's heart nearly stopped when Hotch continued, "Agent Montague, why don't you and JJ work with Will and his partner. They were first on the scene, so they'll be able to give us more details."

Sage looked at Emily for confirmation and, when the brunette nodded, followed JJ out of the room, repeating her promise to herself.

"Garcia, can you please run all the victims' names, see if you can find any links."

"International cases will be hard, but I'll do my best, boss-man," the perky analyst replied, leaving the conference room.

Hotch continued, "Emily, let's go to my office and talk."

The brunette sighed as she followed her former boss out the door, trying to quickly come up with a story that he would buy. Anything but the truth.


	4. conversations

Note: So here's an update. It's not terribly exciting, but the story is going somewhere, I promise. I'm not entirely sure where yet, but it's definitely going somewhere. Thanks to everyone for reading, reviewing, etc.

4. ** Conversations**

The drive to DC police headquarters was awkward and uncomfortable for both women. For the first ten minutes, neither spoke, but they traded glances, as if sizing each other up. JJ broke first, saying, "Can I ask you something, Agent Montague?"

"I may not answer, but you can ask," Sage replied, turning away from the highway scenery to watch JJ's face.

JJ took a deep breath. She wasn't quite sure what to make of this woman, who clearly knew Emily so much better than she did. Her chest felt oddly constricted as she summoned up her bravery and asked, "How long have you known Emily?"

Sage smiled, remembering the day she had met the brunette. She decided to just be honest with JJ and try to see why she was so special to Emily. "It feels like forever sometimes. We were the only English-speakers at the international school in Paris. I was eight; she must have been ten or so." Sage chuckled. "She had ripped her uniform playing football with some boys and was trying to fix it with clear tape. I had been watching the game and followed her into the girls' room to help."

"And you've been friends since then?" JJ asked, her mind reeling. This was more information about Emily's childhood than she had ever gotten from the brunette herself.

"Not exactly," Sage sighed. "I followed her around like a puppy for a couple of years, but then her family moved to Egypt and we lost touch. We met again at Oxford when I was at university and Emily was studying abroad. I thought it was fate. She joined interpol right after she graduated. I tried to follow her there, too, but I got stuck at a desk job while she got hand picked for a special undercover team." Sage looked out the window wistfully. "Seems like I was always a couple of years too late for her."

JJ caught the quickly-covered-up look of hopelessness on Sage's face and just knew. "You're in love with her." It was a statement, not a question.

Sage shook her head, replying, "Very much so." The redhead didn't know why she was being so open with JJ, but it felt right to her, and her instincts were usually correct. Maybe she could help Emily reconcile with her past, get over the blonde. Maybe finally see what was right in front of her. Sage sighed again, pinching her lips together to keep her emotions in check.

JJ parked the car, but neither agent got out. JJ turned to Sage and asked, in a small voice, "Does she hate me?"

Sage saw a mixture of emotions in JJ's bright blue eyes – love, regret, anger, hope – and decided to keep telling her the truth. "Sometimes." The redhead noticed a tear roll down JJ's cheek, but continued, "but hatred is a strong emotion. At least you know she feels something for you. I don't even get that much." Sage exited the SUV before the blonde could reply.

JJ got out more slowly, her mind still trying to comprehend everything she had learned about Emily today as she followed Sage into the building. She quickened her steps as she led the redhead towards Will's desk.

"Hi, Lydia," JJ greeted the short brunette sitting at the desk next to Will's. "This is Agent Sage Montague from interpol. Agent Montague, this is Detective Lydia Kelley, Will's partner."

The two women shook hands as Will called out, "Hey, chere!"and strode confidently over to JJ, kissing her soundly.

The sounds almost made Sage gag, and she asked Lydia, "That's Will?"

"Yup," the detective replied.

Sage looked at Will, then turned back to Lydia. "Really?"

"Really," Lydia replied as she sorted through some paperwork on her desk to avoid staring at the visibly happy couple.

Sage, however, stared at JJ and Will grimacing – not only at the blatantly unnecessary public display of affection, but also at how obviously bad the man was at kissing, since he seemed to be slobbering all over JJ's face.

Finally, the two broke apart and JJ introduced them. "Agent Montague, as you may have figured out, this is my husband, Detective Will LaMontagne."

Sage finally got a good look at Will's face, with his droopy eyelids and slightly off-centered lips, and couldn't help but laugh. She tried to compose herself, taking a deep breath, but then looked at Will's narrowed eyes and burst into hysterics again. JJ and the two detectives exchanged confused looks as Sage struggled to remain standing. Gasping for air, Sage began to apologize, but Emily's drunken descriptions of the man echoed through her head – "an ugly version of Snoopy with his face smushed flat" and "a wrinkled hairless spider monkey with stunted limbs," among others.

Finally, Sage's laughter turned into coughing, and Lydia patted her on the back, asking, "You okay, Red?"

JJ rolled her eyes at Lydia's usual flirting. "Are you done now, Agent Montague? We do have murders to solve."

Sage ignored Lydia and looked challengingly at JJ. "I'm well aware of that, Agent Jareau. So," Sage bit her lip as she looked at Will. "Let's see what you've got."

Lydia handed the redhead a copy of their file, explaining, "This is what we have on the most recent victim so far."

Sage flipped through the file, a disapproving look on her face. "It's not much."

"We only got the case a couple days ago!" Will exclaimed defensively. "We don't even have the autopsy report yet!"

"No need to yell," Sage replied calmly.

"What about the files from the other states?" JJ asked, trying to avoid a confrontation. She could tell how much Will hated Sage already, and the feeling appeared to be mutual.

"Over here, chere." Will wrapped his arm around JJ's waist possessively as he led the small group to a conference room filled with file boxes.

"This is more than six cases," JJ commented.

"We found a dozen or so more, going back to 1980," Lydia explained. "They're from the same cities, actually, so they're organized that way. We figured you profilers would want to go through them yourselves to make sure they were all committed by the same guy."

Sage looked around and said, "Shite." She didn't notice Lydia's smile at her accent. "Let's take them back to Quantico and get some more agents to help us sort through it all."

"Makes sense," JJ agreed.

"Well I hope you can find a truck, detectives," Sage said as she easily lifted a stack of three full boxes and walked towards the front door. "There is no way these are all going to fit in our SUV."

Lydia watched Sage walk away, licking her lips. "My, she's a strong one, isn't she?" the brunette commented to no one in particular.

JJ shook her head. "Don't go there, Lydia. More drama than you can possibly imagine. Trust me." She picked up one box, saying, in a strained voice, "But you're right about the strong thing." The blonde took the same path as Sage had, hoping they could get back to the BAU quickly so that she could talk to Emily.

x-x

"Have a seat, Emily," Hotch told the brunette as they walked into his office.

"Why do I feel like I've been sent to the principal's office again?" Emily asked, trying to diffuse the tense moment with humor as she sat down on one of the chairs in front of Hotch's desk.

Instead of walking behind his desk, Hotch sat down beside Emily. "I've missed you, Emily. How have you been?"

Emily saw the sincerity in her former boss's eyes and smiled genuinely. "I've missed you too, Hotch."

Hotch's normally grim face softened. "Emily, I think you know what I'm going to say."

Emily sighed, her smile fading. "You think I shouldn't be in the field if I'm having panic attacks."

Hotch clasped the brunette's hand between his own. "I know what happened last year, Emily, and I think I know why."

Emily wrenched her hand from Hotch's grasp, shock radiating throughout her mind. "How the hell did you find out?" she demanded furiously. Her former boss just looked at her until she finally blushed, remembering. "Oh, right. I listed you as my emergency contact."

Hotch simply nodded, his face remaining sympathetic.

"I'm sorry about that, I really am," she told him. "It's just that I needed someone outside of Interpol, and I certainly couldn't list my mother, and you were the only one I could think of." Emily hid her face in her hands, dropped her elbows to her knees, and slumped, her posture defeated.

"It's okay, Emily," Hotch said softly. "I'm honored that you trust me that much, and the only reason that I didn't come to London was that your psychiatrist thought it would be detrimental to your recovery. But I'm always here for you, Emily."

The brunette looked into his eyes gratefully. "Thanks, Hotch. That really means a lot." Her eyes actually filled with tears until she crammed her emotions back into their little compartment.

Hotch saw Emily holding back and said, "But don't think being emotional here is going to get you out of explaining the panic attacks."

Emily sighed. "I've had them since I moved to London. They've been under control for the most part, it's just . . . being here with everyone and the Fortune Teller and . . ." her voice trailed off into another sigh.

Sometimes Hotch hated being a responsible boss, but he had his team – and now Emily and her team – to worry about. So he asked the hard questions. "Did you lie about the attacks to get cleared for field work?"

Emily actually chuckled, shaking her head ruefully. "You know me too well, Hotch."

"I'll take that as a yes," he replied, not sharing her amusement. "How often do you have them?"

"This was the first one in almost a month now," she replied.

"Have you ever had an attack while you were in the field?"

"No, and actually never in the office – until now, at least. I guess I just compartmentalize well enough to postpone them until I get home."

"I need you to answer me honestly now, Emily." Hotch waited until the brunette nodded her head to continue, "Do you think you're up to working this case with JJ?" Emily closed her eyes and took a deep breath as Hotch continued, "And Will?" Hotch didn't miss Emily's flinch at the name, but to her credit, he supposed, she covered it up quickly and looked at him directly.

"I can do this, Hotch," she replied. "I have to. He's coming for me and I have to be ready."

Hotch just stared at Emily for a long moment, then nodded. "Okay, I'll let it go for now, but if it starts happening more often, I expect you to tell me."

"Of course, Hotch," she agreed.

Changing the subject, Hotch said, "Good. Now let's see if we can figure out the connection to you." He stood up and walked back towards the conference room to get to work, expecting the brunette to follow.

And Emily did follow, but slowly, trying to breathe deeply and evenly, and convince herself that she could do this. That she could show Hotch – and JJ and Will and everyone – that she was fine. That she was happy for their happiness and . . . suddenly a random thought occurred to her. "Hotch!" she called out, walking quickly to catch up. He stopped and waited a few steps away from the conference room, looking back at Emily inquiringly.

Emily asked softly, trying unsuccessfully to suppress a smile, "You're the one who told my therapist that Sergio is a cat, aren't you?"

Hotch looked down guiltily. "I didn't mean to, but she asked if I had ever met him and without thinking I said, yes, he's adorable, and she figured it out." He looked back up, meeting Emily's eyes, and suddenly the two of them burst into laughter, a necessary tension-reliever for them both.


	5. revelations

NOTE: thanks to you all for your reviews and follows and such. In case you couldn't tell, this story is somewhat auto-biographical (although thankfully without the serial killers) so I wonder what exactly it is that makes you think that JJ and Emily could be together after all of this? But then, I guess you all don't have the whole story yet, so….

5.** Revelations**

Emily and Hotch entered a conference room that looked dramatically different than it had when they left and stepped around several stacks of boxes to reach the table. "What is all this?" Hotch asked, looking around the room.

"The files from all the state cases," a voice they recognized as JJ's answered from behind them. The blonde placed the box she was carrying on the table and directed the three FBI agents behind her to various stacks. Behind them, Sage entered the room with two boxes, followed by Will and his partner Lydia, each also carrying two boxes. Emily noticed that Will struggled to keep his breathing even and had begun to sweat through his shirt. He dropped his boxes noisily onto the floor and wiped his brow with his sleeve. Emily caught both Sage and Lydia rolling their eyes as they placed their boxes into separate piles at opposite sides of the room, and she couldn't help a slight smirk from crossing her face at the man's obvious discomfort.

"Okay, there are a dozen or so cases in addition to the ones we already knew about, but all from the same five cities as we had originally," JJ explained. "The boxes are divided up by city, and Agents Anderson, Ty, and Belford are here to help us get through all the paper."

"Excellent," Hotch said. "Now that we're all here, I think that before we go through the files, our best course of action is for Emily to explain her connections to each city on the list so that we can better identify anything important."

"Let's start with the cities in chronological order," Reid suggested. "We need to know when and why you lived in each place, any people you knew there, that sort of thing." He looked over at Emily expectantly.

"Makes sense to me," Morgan chimed in. "So his first kill was in Munich, maybe nine years ago, give or take."

Emily closed her eyes for a moment, breathing deeply. "We're skipping that one. We can start with Rome."

"What's up, Princess?" Morgan asked.

"We can't just skip discussing it because you don't want to talk about it, Em," Sage said sympathetically, yet her curiosity about when the brunette had lived in Germany was eating at her. "This is important to the case. Important to protecting you."

"Actually, since this seems to be his first kill, it could be the most important one for the profile," Reid agreed.

Emily put her face in her hands, her shoulders slumping. Taking another deep breath, she looked up, saying, "Ok, but not everyone needs to hear this."

Hotch was observing Emily's demeanor, and concluded that she was barely holding herself together for this, so he took charge. "Alright, anyone who isn't a profiler, leave. Now."

The FBI agents who weren't on the team left without a word. Lydia began to follow, but was stopped by Will's hand on her arm. "Now wait a minute. This is our case, too, and we deserve to know what's going on!"

"Leave, Will," JJ insisted quietly. "This is not an argument you're going to win." She had no idea what Emily was going to tell them, but she knew without a doubt that Emily would not want Will to hear it. She may have always been aggravated that her husband and best friend just could not get along, but she respected Emily's privacy enough to keep her husband out of it.

"Fine!" Will almost shouted. "You always choose her over me anyway. I don't know why I thought this would be different." He stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Lydia was not shocked at Will's unprofessional behavior. She had been waiting for some kind of outburst since she heard that Emily was coming back. She had been partnered with the man for the past year and a half, and she had quickly reached the conclusion that he was a jealous, controlling ass. She worked with him because she had to, but she didn't like him – or the way he seemed to treat his wife – very much at all. But now, having met Emily for the first time, Lydia understood why he acted the way he did. What she couldn't understand was what the hell JJ was doing with Will when she could have hot, bad-ass, secret agent Emily. She shook her head ruefully and followed her partner out of the room after sending an apologetic glance towards the brunette.

Emily looked at JJ speculatively, wondering what exactly it was that Will had been referring to, since, in her experience, she was always last on the blonde's priority list.

JJ sighed, turning to Emily. "I'm sorry about that. If you want me to go too, I'd understand."

"No, it's alright, Jay," Emily replied softly, the nickname falling from her lips effortlessly, despite the years. "I'd rather you stayed." She looked up, meeting the blonde's eyes for the first time since she had returned and was surprised at the conflict she saw there.

JJ walked across the room and sat down next to the brunette, taking one of Emily's hands into both of hers. "I'm here for you, Em. Always." The blonde offered a smile of encouragement.

Emily couldn't help but return JJ's smile with a small one of her own, but it lasted only a moment, as she began her story. "I lived in Rome when I was a teenager and I was . . . rebellious. I hated my parents and anything to do with them or their world, but I was always the new kid in school, never really fitting in. And when you're fifteen, all you want is to fit in." She sighed, looking down at the floor for a moment before she continued. "But I had made one friend. His father worked at the embassy, and he hated that world as much as I did. So ultimately, we ran away and ended up staying in Munich for a few months."

"Your friend Matthew?" Rossi asked, though he already knew the answer.

"Yes," Emily replied softly.

Most of the American agents looked away from the brunette, remembering how Matthew had been killed and Emily's strong emotional reaction to the case. Rossi, however, make eye contact with the brunette, silently asking if her trip to Germany was for the reason he thought. Emily nodded at him, able to read the question in his eyes. He put one hand on her shoulder in silent support.

Finally, Morgan broke the silence. "So why did you and Matthew run away?"

Emily swallowed hard, hoping she could tell them enough truth to help the case, but not the entire story. "I needed to see a certain type of doctor that didn't really exist in Rome. Matthew found a reputable one in Munich, and he came with me."

"What kind of doctor?" Hotch asked, his voice unusually subdued.

Emily blinked slowly, trying to figure out what to say. Rossi took her hand – the one that wasn't already claimed by JJ – and said softly, "I know it's hard, but I think you need to tell them, Emily."

Sage and JJ both narrowed their eyes, realizing that Rossi clearly knew something important about Emily that they did not. Sage resolved to discuss it with Emily later; she wanted to make sure that the brunette knew she could trust her with anything. JJ, by contrast, felt sad, wondering how much more Emily had withheld from her during their years as best friends, the closest friendship – the closest relationship – JJ had ever had.

Emily sighed and nodded, gripping Rossi's hand for support. "When we lived in Rome, Matthew had a friend named John, who you might remember. John and I dated, if you want to call it that, and I ended up getting pregnant."

Sage gasped, and the remaining agents showed other signs of surprise. JJ simply squeezed Emily's hand, trying to put nothing but love and support into her gaze. Despite everything, JJ knew how difficult it was for Emily to open up about anything, and, although she still wanted to know when and why Emily had told Rossi about this, the blonde nonetheless felt honored that Emily trusted her – trusted their team – enough to share this, to be this vulnerable.

Emily continued, trying to stick to the facts and keep her emotions inside. Guilt, anger, sadness, would be of no help right now. "There was no way I could keep it. And telling my mother was out of the question. John was being an asshole about the whole thing, but Matthew. . . he was amazing." Emily's eyes teared up as she remembered how strong he had been during that time, and what had happened to him later. The room was silent, the agents awaiting Emily's next words. She took a deep breath before she felt in control enough to speak again. "We knew that no one in Rome would be willing to help, what with all the Catholics. So Matthew found this doctor in Munich who would do it, no questions asked, even though I was still a minor. To this day, I don't know how he found her, but we caught a train the next day, and before I knew it, it was all over. I didn't want to leave, to deal with my mother, to deal with everything back in Rome. So we stayed. It only took about three months for Matthew's parents to find us and drag us back. So, that was Munich." Emily took another deep breath, feeling strangely liberated at getting the whole thing out in the open.

The agents sat in stunned silence. With the exception of Rossi, none of them had anticipated the depth of emotion exhibited by the brunette, who could usually be expected to compartmentalize and show nothing of how she actually felt in her expression or demeanor. Hotch was the first to speak. Placing a hand on Emily's shoulder, he said softly, "Thank you for sharing that with us, Emily. I think it narrows down our suspect pool quite a bit."

Rossi continued with that line of thought. "It must be someone who knew that you were in Germany, at the least, so it's probably someone you've known for a long time, or someone who's followed you for a long time."

Sage came out of her shocked state next and made a connection. "And it must be someone who knew _why_ you were in Munich."

"How do you figure that?" Morgan asked.

Sage replied, "Because it would explain the strange findings on the autopsy of the German victim." She pulled out a file and skimmed through the pages for a moment. "Here it is!" She recited, "There were the bones of a small frog placed purposely inside the chest of the victim." The redhead looked around at a sea of confused agents and sighed, explaining, "Frog bones and fetal bones appear very simlilar and unless you're very careful, they can be almost impossible to distinguish."

Emily raised an eyebrow at Sage, projecting her surprise at the strange tidbit of knowledge possessed by the redhead.

Sage rolled her eyes and shrugged, softly saying, "I saw a fascinating documentary about poison dart frogs a few months ago."

Emily smiled at her agent, enjoying the odd moment of shared nerd-hood, as the other agents discussed the possible lead amongst themselves. Emily remained silent, however, reflecting on who knew that she had been in Germany. It was a short list, and she did not like the implications of that. Suddenly a thought occurred to her. "Sage, that was the translation of the autopsy report that you were reading from, right?"

Everyone had stopped speaking at the sound of Emily's soft voice. "Yes," Sage replied, looking confused.

"Can I see the original?" Emily asked.

As Sage looked through her file, Hotch asked, "What are you thinking, Emily?"

"It's just a hunch, but something doesn't seem right with this. Maybe something just got lost in the translation." Emily shrugged, then began to read over the original German report that Sage had handed her.

The other agents all watched Emily reading and muttering under her breath as she focused on a language she hadn't used in a long time. After a few moments, Emily said to the group, while still looking down at the report, "You can all go back to your own discussions, you know. I don't really need _this_ much supervision to read an autopsy report."

Embarrassed by their staring, the agents quickly returned to their own discussions, but Morgan chuckled, finally seeing something of the Emily that he used to know in the brunette's slightly annoyed sarcasm. Emily heard him despite the increasing noise, turned to look at him briefly and winked, eliciting a broad grin from the unusually sensitive man. Until this moment, he hadn't realized how much he missed Emily and decided to have a talk with Garcia later to see if they could figure out how to get the brunette to stay with her family at the BAU.


	6. paperwork

6. **Paperwork**

"Ok, then," Hotch said. "Garcia, I think you'll be more help going through the digital files we have, running the names, and trying to find connections that way."

"Gotcha, boss-man," she replied, immediately turning to her laptop and getting to work.

"The rest of us should divide up the boxes and start reading. Any connection could be relevant, so make sure you get any information to Garcia. When you're done translating, Prentiss, you and Rossi work on that stack," Hotch said, pointed at some boxes in one corner.

"Chicago," JJ clarified.

"Reid, Fitchley, and Anderson, you take that stack." Hotch pointed to the largest stack of boxes.

"D.C.," JJ said.

"Aw, man, why'd we get the biggest stack?" Anderson softly complained.

"Probably because Reid and I both read very quickly," Fitchley told him.

"Doesn't mean I do," Anderson grumped.

Hotch raised his voice to be heard over the other agents. "Morgan and Ty, you take those over there."

"Boston," JJ said as Hotch pointed.

"JJ, and . . . " He looked around the room, seemingly about to pick someone else at random when Sage spoke up, "I'll work with her. We'll take these over here," she pointed towards a stack across the room from where Emily and Rossi were working. Emily raised an eyebrow, wondering what could have happened to make Sage want to work with the blonde, but she didn't speak a word of protest.

"New York," JJ said softly, wondering the same thing as Emily.

"Ok, that leaves Will, Lydia, and Agent . . . " Hotch's voice trailed off as he looked at the remaining Interpol agent. "I'm sorry, I've only heard you referred to as William. Is that your last name?" he asked politely.

The English man smiled. "Agent William Williamson the Fourth," he replied excitedly. "It's a bit cumbersome, I know, but it's a family name. Everyone just calls me Will."

Across the room, Rossi exchanged a look with Emily and whispered, "Really?" And at Emily's nod and eye roll, he just shook his head.

"Well, that could get a bit confusing. I'll stick with Agent Williamson," Hotch declared, his face bare of even slight amusement, though his eyes sparkled slightly. "You, Will, and Lydia can take the last stack over there."

The conference room was almost silent as the profilers went about their various tasks, each absorbed in the files, trying to find the one detail that would help them catch this unsub. Emily, always an excellent multi-tasker, was troubled by her thoughts as she quickly read through the Chicago P.D.'s reports. If Sage's inference was correct, then this murderer was someone she knew – well. Someone who knew her – well. And that was a very short list, most of them being in this very room with her right now.

The brunette sighed softly as she absently unwrapped a rubber band from another file and put it around her wrist. Though she revealed nothing with her facial expression, Emily was deeply saddened as she remembered Matthew. The boy he had been when they laughed at the poorly Italian-dubbed versions of Scooby Doo. The man he had been when he took her to Germany. She couldn't help blaming herself for making him grow up too fast. Maybe his parents had been right about her all along. She took a deep breath and tried to focus.

JJ was surprised at how well she and Sage worked together. Glancing at the redhead, she wondered why Sage had wanted to work with her. To keep her away from Emily, maybe. Looking over at the brunette, JJ sighed, feeling conflicted. It was so good to have Emily back, even if it was only supposed to be for one case, but it hurt so much to see her. To see her sadness, to feel her pain, to wonder if she had lost her best friend forever. JJ sighed as she looked back down at the disorganized mess the NYPD had sent them, listening to the papers rustling from all around the room. Then – SNAP!

JJ looked up at the sudden noise, but didn't see anything. She went back to trying to make sense of the files. Until – SNAP!

JJ looked up again, this time meeting Rossi's eyes from the far corner of the room. He glanced pointedly at Emily and raised his eyebrows. Following his gaze, JJ looked at the brunette curiously, then her eyes widened as she saw Emily SNAP! a rubber band against her wrist.

JJ felt a lump in her throat and swallowed hard. She had never seen Emily do anything like this before. SNAP!

To cause herself pain? JJ contemplated why the brunette would do that to herself. SNAP!

Maybe to distract herself, to keep from pacing the room as JJ knew the brunette was prone to doing when she got agitated. SNAP!

JJ looked around to see who else had noticed what was going on and ultimately locked eyes with Sage, whose face appeared both sad and angry. The redhead glared at the blonde more harshly with every SNAP!

JJ didn't know what to do. Should she stop Emily, take away the stupid rubber band? SNAP!

Maybe she would just ignore it. After all, it wasn't really her place to intervene. Not anymore. She looked down at the file she was supposed to be reading and saw only blurred print. SNAP!

JJ flinched. Rossi glared at her, clearly expecting her to do something about the situation, to fix it. And she wished she could. SNAP!

JJ flinched again. This time her eyes sought out Emily, noticing that her wrist was bright red. JJ wondered if Emily was even aware of what she was doing. SNAP!

"Oh sweet Mary in heaven, would ya stop that already?" Sage's voice broke the uncomfortable silence that had fallen over the room.

Emily finally looked up from her reading and saw everyone looking at her. "What?" she asked, confused.

Sage rolled her eyes. "The rubber band, Emily. Stop snapping the bleedin' rubber band!" Sage's voice sounded annoyed, but JJ remembered the expression on Sage's face before Emily looked up.

"Oh, sorry," Emily replied softly, taking the rubber band off of her wrist, replacing it with her right hand, and gently massaging the irritated skin.

Sage glared at JJ before going back to her work, eyes narrowed dangerously. JJ felt her own eyes fill with tears. Grief at Emily's sadness and pain; guilt for her anger. It all came up her esophagus at once, and she ran out of the conference room into the bathroom, where she began vomitting noisily into the toilet. Within seconds, JJ felt familiar hands pulling back her hair and rubbing her back as she finished. Her face red and blotchy, her mouth feeling and tasting like a sewer, JJ collapsed in hysterical sobs against Emily, who simply held her.

When her crying had slowed down a bit, JJ heard Emily singing to her softly – a French lullaby that she used to sing when JJ couldn't sleep or after JJ had awoken from a nightmare. It was comforting the way it had always been, but Emily's voice sounded different. Sad, maybe, or resigned. JJ's tears slowed as she clung to the brunette, never wanting Emily to leave her again.

x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x

"Gather round, my pretties!" Garcia said loudly in an almost-perfect British accent as she and Morgan entered the BAU. "We are back from jolly-old-England, and we bring gifts!"

"Welcome back," Rossi said, walking over from the coffee room, stirring a cup.

"For you, good sir," Garcia replied, reaching into her bag and pulling out a large mug covered with a British flag.

"Thanks," Rossi said simply, smiling.

"How's Emily?" Reid asked excitedly.

"Her apartment is fantastic!" Morgan said.

"It's called a flat, dear," Garcia corrected, as she handed Reid a pencil-holder shaped like a red, double-decker bus.

"Awesome!" Reid expressed his thanks.

Morgan put his arm around the bubbly woman, grinning. "Whatever you say, baby girl."

Rossi raised an eyebrow, noticing how much closer the two seemed since before their trip. And how they seemed to be avoiding Reid's question. From his own contact with the brunette, he knew that she wasn't happy, despite how much she tried to hide it.

JJ watched the group from her desk, wishing – not for the first time – that she had her own office again. With the exception of Garcia, the entire team had been cold to her since she returned from her honeymoon. JJ knew that they blamed her for Emily's departure; she blamed herself most days. But today, she got angry. It wasn't fair for them to blame her – Emily was the one who left. All she did was fall in love – with someone other than Emily. And Will was being a total ass about the whole thing, yelling when she said she missed the brunette, banning her name from the house. JJ sighed. She couldn't really blame Will for acting that way. Emily was never exactly pleasant to him, after all. JJ shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts, as she walked over to the agents returning from their trip.

Morgan saw the blonde walking towards them and tapped Garcia on the shoulder, directing her attention towards JJ. Garcia's eyes narrowed. She hadn't understood before just how much JJ's actions had affected Emily, but seeing the brunette trying so hard to convince her old teammates that she was doing great had made the technical analyst realize how much pain she was in, and had been in for years. Turning away from JJ, Garcia mumbled something about needing to get to work and walked off towards her office. Morgan glared at JJ and sat down at his desk, looking away from the blonde.

JJ stopped, surprised at her friends' reaction. Slowly, her emotions overcame her, the bottled-up pain, anger, and guilt forcing themselves upwards in a rush. JJ ran to the ladies' room and barely reached the toilet before the putrid substance erupted from her throat and her thoughts swirled. _God, I miss my best friend. Why did Em leave me, abandon me? I want my best friend back._ The thick, disgusting fluid mixed with her tears and tangled in her hair as she vomitted again, and all JJ could think about was how much she wished Emily was there, holding her hair back and singing like she used to do.

x-END FLASHBACK-x

"Why did you leave me, Em?" JJ asked softly, still wrapped in the brunette's arms on the bathroom floor.

Emily sighed, looking into JJ's eyes. "I couldn't handle it anymore, Jay. When I thought you were just into other people for sex, it was okay because you always came back to me. But then there was Will, and slowly we became nothing more than friends. And even that was okay because you were still with me somehow. I could delude myself into thinking that underneath it all you were still mine. But the wedding just . . . it just crushed me, Jay."

Tears filled Emily's eyes and rolled down her cheeks. She looked away from the blonde as she continued. "I couldn't watch it anymore, Jay. I just couldn't. Yes, I'm happy that you're happy, that you've found the one you want to be with forever. But seeing you and him together . . . living the life that I always wanted to have with you. . . It crushed my last hope and couldn't just be friends with you anymore, Jay."

With this last comment, Emily stood up and stepped away from JJ, not feeling able to keep touching or even looking at the blonde. "I can't ever be just friends with you, and you don't know how sorry I am for that. It's my loss. Not having you in my life leaves this giant gaping hole inside of me . . . but at least when I don't have to watch you with him, I can almost patch it up and pretend I'm a complete person. For a while anyway. But you, Jay, you just break down every fucking barrier I've ever had."

Emily was pacing and truly angry now, more at herself than at JJ, but she was taking it out on the blonde nonetheless. "You walk through my mental walls – walls that I've been building up for my entire life! – and you just get through like they never existed. I don't know how you do it, but you do, and god help me, I want you to. I wanted you to see me and know me and not run away." Emily walked towards the door and with her hand on the handle, she paused, almost whispering, "You were my last chance, Jay. My last hope for love and happiness. I trusted you, but even you ran away eventually. Just like everyone always has. I guess I'm just meant to be alone."

"That's not fair, Em!" JJ stood up for herself, and got up from the bathroom floor. "You can't make your childhood issues my fault. I'm not responsible for your life or your loneliness."

"Life's not fair, Jay. You know that better than most people. And sometimes," Emily sighed, "sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to, no matter how hard you try." Emily didn't look back or wait for a response; she simply opened the door and calmly walked away. She continued walking past the conference room, where her current and former co-workers still poured over old case files. She walked out of the BAU, ignoring the confused looks of the various agents, and took the elevator to the parking garage, where Morgan caught up with her.

"Emily!" Morgan called out. "Where are you going?"

"There's something I have to go do." Emily continued walking as she spoke. "I'll be back in a few hours. I promise."

"What do you have to go do? Let me help you!" Morgan pleaded with his friend, but Emily ignored him, got into her rental car, and drove off, tires squealing. Morgan slowly walked back into the building. When he reached the BAU, he told his concerned colleagues the one thing he was sure of: "That is not the Emily I used to know."

Sage sighed and put her hand on Morgan's shoulder as he sat down sadly. "I know, love, and I'm sorry for ya," she told him sympathetically. "Did she tell you where she was goin' or when she'd be back?"

"No, she just said that there was something she had to go do," Morgan answered the redhead.

"Shite," Sage cursed under her breath.

JJ finally returned to the conference room and looked around, noticing the brunette's absence. "Where did Emily go?" she asked in a concerned voice, her face still slightly blotchy and her eyes bloodshot.

Garcia stood up and placed an arm around JJ's shoulders. "We don't know, gumdrop."

"She's gone again?" JJ panicked, her heart beginning to race.

"She said she'd be back in a few hours," Morgan tried to reassure the blonde. "It's just so not like her to do this."

Agent Williamson snorted disbelievingly.

"What was that for?" Morgan demanded.

"She does this all the time," Williamson clarified. "She'll run off by herself for a while, doesn't tell anyone where she's going or when she'll be back, and – "

The agent's words were cut off by a light smack across his face. "Shut it, you wanker," Sage ordered him. Turning to Morgan, the redhead asked, "What were her exact words? Think now, it's important."

"There's something I have to go do; I'll be back in a few hours, I promise," Morgan recited. "Why does that matter?"

Sage relaxed noticeably. "Alright then, we should get back to work."

"What?" The question came from several places in the room.

The redhead sighed. "She promised she'd be back, which means that she'll be back – eventually – and expectin' us to have this right done by then."

"Just because she promised?" Morgan demanded. "That makes it okay?"

"She won't break a promise she makes to someone she loves," Sage replied, sighing.

JJ shook her head. "Her promises don't mean shit," she said vehemently, storming out of the room. Will followed her, his mouth pinched at the emotions his wife was demonstrating towards her former co-worker.

"Can you track her cell, Garcia?" Reid asked quietly.

"Heavens to Betsy! I totally forgot I was a technical genius for a minute there!" Garcia sat down and tapped a few keys on her laptop. Then she sighed. "Sorry, g-man, no can do. Her phone is turned off. But my baby here will sound the alarm when it turns back on."

"Okay, then, we might as well get back to work," Hotch finally chimed in, trying to make the best of the situation.

"Seriously, Hotch?" Morgan asked.

"Yes, Morgan," Hotch replied. "I know that there are some personal issues going on right now, but Emily is a grown woman, and we still have a killer to catch. So, let's get to it."

Morgan looked like he was going to keep protesting, but Rossi stopped him. "Hotch is right, Morgan," the older agent said. "Emily just needs some space for a little while. She'll come back. She has to."

"How can you be so sure?" Morgan asked him.

Rossi smirked. "Because the redhead stole her wallet before she ran off after JJ."

Everyone turned to Sage, stunned, but she just shrugged. "Always good to have insurance."


	7. haunts

7. **Haunts**

Emily wasn't sure exactly where she was going when she started driving, but she wasn't surprised that her subconscious mind had taken her to the church where she had last seen Matthew – alive. She did have to go speak with his parents at some point, she knew, but she supposed she could take a few moments to calm herself before she dived into that lion's den.

Parking illegally, she exited the car and stood outside the church doors, just trying to breathe. Sometimes it felt like she hadn't taken a real deep breath in years. Maybe even a decade. Last time she was here, it was snowing, and the air was as clear as the darkness surrounding her as she walked away from the flashing lights and sirens that heralded the BAU's confrontation with that damned, murderous priest.

But today it was hot, and humid. Underneath her blazer, her silk blouse clung to her back, the dripping sweat making her back itch, and the bright sunlight shot daggers into her eyes. She tried to take a deep breath and coughed instead, the thick air becoming trapped in her lungs.

"Are you alright, Emily?" She heard a concerned, strangely familiar voice ask from behind her.

Hand on her gun, the brunette spun around and gasped, staring in disbelief at the form of Matthew's father, dressed in black, with a priest's collar around his neck. "Mr. Benton?" she choked out.

The grey-haired man smiled. "Yes, Emily. It's me."

"But . . . You're . . . And you . . . What?" Emily spluttered, completely dumbfounded by the man's sudden appearance and his, well, appearance.

The man chuckled. "Please call me Tom. Or Father Tom as the kids around here do."

Emily continued to stare at him, her mouth open with shock.

"Well, you're certainly quieter than you used to be," Tom observed, still smiling. "Why don't you come inside where it's cooler and I'll explain."

To Emily, his words sounded more like an order than an offer, but that familiar quality calmed her somewhat, and she followed the tall man into the church, feeling a strange sense of déjà vu.

x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x

"Emily!" The man's thin arms wrapped around the brunette's shoulders, pulling her into a tight embrace. He felt her sigh against his chest as they stood together on the sidewalk, and was quick to answer the first question he was sure that she would ask. "I don't need much this time, really. I just need – "

Emily pulled back away from her friend. "I told you before, Matthew. I'm not giving you any more money. I'll take you to dinner, or buy you groceries, or even pay your rent, but I'm not giving you cash just so you can poison yourself some more."

"Oh, c'mon, Em. Don't be so dramatic."

"Where's John? I thought he was – "

"No, he's in Italy, I think. The parental units decided I needed to live with – "

"Seriously? Now they've decided to act like – "

"I know, right? That's why I need – "

"I said no, Matthew." Her voice was sad, regretful. This was why Emily missed her friend so much. They knew each other so well it was like they didn't even need to finish sentences. And she could never let anyone else in like she had Matthew. Not until JJ. And look how well that had turned out for her.

Matthew saw the brunette's eyes glaze over slightly, her cheeks turning pink with suppressed emotions, and he knew she was thinking about JJ. For years, he begged her to come back to D.C. Then, when she finally had, for a year or so, he had tried to convince her to just tell the blonde how she felt, but she resisted. And once she finally had, he had been forced to listen to how poorly JJ treated her. His best friend deserved better. Better than JJ. Better than him and his lousy advice and his . . . issues. Matthew hugged Emily to him once again, and this time he felt her relax against him, heard her barely contained sobs break loose as the sky broke open and drenched the two of them.

"C'mon, bella. Let's go inside where it's warm." Matthew kissed the top of her head and led her into the church with an arm around her shoulders, trying to protect her from the worst of the rain.

x-END FLASHBACK-x

Emily followed Father Tom down one of the middle rows of pews, and when he knelt down and made the sign of the cross, she copied his movements, more out of habit than any real religious inclinations. She copied his actions again as he rose to sit on the hard, wooden bench, and didn't realize she could possibly be more surprised until the man took her hands in his and said, with sincerity, "I'm so sorry, Emily."

"What?" Emily felt like her mind might explode. Or perhaps that it already had, and she was hallucinating.

Tom smiled. "Emily, I need to beg your forgiveness for the way that I've acted towards you for, well, a very long time."

Emily just stared with wide eyes at the man she used to blame for Matthew's addictions.

"Being so close to the church now, I realized that I have never truly practiced what I preach, so to speak," he continued. "I used to blame you for everything that was wrong with my son. I wanted you to suffer, to know what it was like to lose your child before he was even an adult."

"You're making amends?" Emily asked softly. "To me?"

"Yes," Tom replied. "It's rather ironic isn't it? Considering how I forced Matthew into program after program, I mean."

"That's one word for it," Emily commented, her sarcasm finally overcoming her shock.

x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x

As they settled into one of the middle pews, Emily asked, "Why do you insist on coming here, Matthew?"

"What, you can't profile it out of me, Agent Prentiss?" he teased lightly.

"Might as well try profiling myself, and you know how that works out," she replied drily.

He chuckled. "I like it because my father hates that I spoil the place with my presence."

She raised an eyebrow. "Even when you attend one of his ten-step programs?"

"More like two-step," Matthew replied. "One, believe in god. Two, trust that god will cure you."

"Three, don't forget to genuflect on your way out," the brunette added.

Matthew laughed delightedly. "Oh, I'm so stealing that one for family dinner this week!"

x-END FLASHBACK-x

"Emily, I know what you and Matthew meant to each other," Tom continued his apology. "You were as good as siblings, and you should have been like a daughter to me." He sighed heavily. "But Andrea was . . . is . . . very persuasive, and she couldn't overlook how different you were. She couldn't celebrate your uniqueness and how you brought out the best in our son. And so, neither could I." Tom looked away from Emily, his face flushed with shame.

"Mr. Benton?" the brunette queried, shock evident in her voice. "Tom?"

The older man turned around quickly, grasping Emily's hands. "Please forgive me, Emily. I never knew what you went through, what Matthew helped you through. But now his behavior makes sense, and Andrea and I are to blame for his addictions, for his death." Tears dripped from his eyes and down his cheeks as he spoke.

Emily's mouth hung open. She couldn't believe how much this man had changed since Matthew's death. "I don't . . . I mean I didn't . . . and you . . . and what?" she stuttered, any real response lost in the chaos of her thoughts as she stared into familiar dark eyes.

A polite cough from the back of the church broke the moment. "I'm sorry, Emily," Tom said. "I have to go. I lead the narcotics anonymous group here and I'm already late." He stood up releasing his grasp on her hands. "Please stay as long as you like. You can always reach me here, whenever you'd like to talk again."

As Emily stared at the crucifix on the wall, her mind drifted as she tried to breathe evenly.

x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x

Emily awoke with a splitting headache. She rolled onto her side and groaned as the curtains opened to let the bright sunlight into the room.

"Good morning, sunshine," a deep voice said.

Emily squinted into the light. "John Cooley? What are you doing in my room?"

The man chuckled. "We're not in your room, Em. We're in mine."

"What?" the brunette mumbled as she looked around, noticing the masculine décor. She put a hand on her head, and, as the blanket fell down to her waist, she noticed that she was dressed only in her bra and underwear. Sitting up quickly and pulling up a sheet to cover herself, the brunette demanded, "Where are my clothes?"

"On the chair." He pointed. "You wouldn't get in bed with them on."

"Why am I here?" she asked. "And what the hell did I drink last night?"

"Tequila, I think. And I slept on the couch, in case you're worried." He answered the latter question first.

"Why am I here? What happened?" the brunette asked again.

John sighed. "You called me to pick you up at the police station."

"I did? Why would I do that?" Emily asked herself. "The last thing I remember is . . . " her voice trailed off, the image of Matthew's grave burning in her mind's eye as a tear slowly rolled down her cheek.

"The cops found you passed out in the cemetary," John explained. "And no, I don't know why his parents buried him there."

"They should have cremated him, like he wanted," Emily whispered. "They killed him." She usually didn't break down, and certainly not in front of John, but she couldn't help herself. "Matthew," she choked audibly, and when John wrapped his arms around her, she let herself break.

x-END FLASHBACK-x

Emily shook her head, trying to dispel her memories as she left the church. She turned on her phone to check the time and was confronted with what seemed like a hundred text messages and voicemails. Emily rolled her eyes and sighed. It seemed like all the worst events in her life were colliding, and she didn't even know how to begin processing everything. Instead, she did what she always did – she compartmentalized. One box for Matthew, one for his father, and one for the blonde whose name showed up on her phone more than anyone else's. Her face composed, she started her vehicle.

Emily sat down, resting her head on one hand and staring at the fake wood-grain pattern on the conference room table. She didn't even remember coming back to the BAU, but she tried to breathe evenly and absorb all that had happened today. She wanted to focus on figuring out this unsub, but all her mind could really picture was the happy ending she had once hoped for. Her eyes were glossy with unshed tears as she again berated herself for falling into the trap of her dreams – again. She knew it wouldn't – couldn't – ever happen, but she wanted it so much. Wanted her so much.

Emily didn't notice Reid enter the room, but he certainly noticed her unusual lack of awareness. "Em?" he queried quietly. Receiving no response, he raised his voice. "Emily?" A puzzled look crossed his face when she again failed to respond. The young agent walked over to place one hand on his friend's shoulder, again saying her name.

Emily jumped out of her chair when she felt the light touch on her shoulder. Her training and instincts kicking in, she grabbed the hand and twisted, nearly breaking Reid's wrist until his strangled voice broke through to her consciousness. "Emily, you're hurting me."

"Shit, Reid!" Emily quickly dropped her hands away from the agent she still thought of as her little brother. "I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine," he replied, rotating his wrist to test the depth of his injury. "I'll never sneak up on you again, though, that's for sure." He smiled as he tried to make light of the situation despite his belief that the brunette's actions indicated a more severe psychological problem than she had disclosed to the team.

Emily's face reddened with embarrassment. "I'm really sorry, Reid. Let me get you some ice or something," she suggested, backing away from the concern evident in his bright eyes.

"What I'd prefer is if you'd tell me what's bothering you so much, aside from the obvious," Reid told the older woman in a commanding tone that she was not used to hearing from him.

Emily simply chuckled softly and shook her head silently.

"What happened to change you, Em?" Reid asked earnestly. "I don't think I've seen you smile genuinely since you've been here."

Emily sat down, closed her eyes, and confessed, "I'm beginning to think that I should have given this case to another team, that I shouldn't have come back. But I didn't want to disappoint my team. The fortune teller has been ours since I started back at Interpol, and when Hotch called . . . " the brunette's voice trailed off into a sigh. "My head's not here, Reid, it isn't in this game. People are dead and dying, and here I am crying over spilled milk. I just don't think I can do it anymore." A single tear rolled down her cheek.

"We all feel that way sometimes, Em," Reid began, but stopped when Emily's eyes opened and met his for the first time since he had entered the room.

"I don't mean the job, Reid," she told him quietly.

"Then what is it, Em? I want to understand, to help," Reid was practically begging now, having sensed the brunette's sorrow.

"I know, Reid, and I'm sorry," she said, closing her eyes.

Just as Reid was about to ask what she was apologizing for, Garcia opened the door without knocking and announced, "It's girls' night out, my precious!" She grabbed Emily's hand and steered the brunette out the door, saying, "And you're not getting out of it this time!"

As the two women exited the room, Emily asked, "Has Kevin been making you watch Lord of the Rings again, Garcia?"

Reid heard the sarcastic comment and ordinarily would have smiled, but he couldn't get the brunette's apparent despair out of his mind. His hand probed around his throat, feeling the bruise forming already, and he silently vowed to help his big sister any way he could.


	8. girls' night out

**NOTE:** Thank you all so much for reading and/or reviewing. I'm really excited that y'all are liking my original character so much. I didn't really expect that to happen, but I'm sure the person she's based on would be very flattered, after she finished telling me that she told me so. And please don't hate JJ too much. She does get nicer/better/more understanding. Eventually….

Also, is anyone else having this weird issue with ads taking up like 1/3 of the screen on this website, or is that just my computer being its usual annoying self?

**WARNING: this story deals with suicide and self-injury. MAY BE TRIGGERING so read at your own risk.**

8**. Girls' Night Out**

When the five women working on the case arrived at the bar, Emily quickly stepped up and offered to buy the first round. As she walked towards the bar, JJ and Garcia immediately turned to Sage with inquisitive eyes. "So, who's our princess dating now?" Garcia asked.

"I heard her mention someone named Sergio earlier," Lydia said, prompting the two blondes to laugh uproariously.

Even Sage cracked a smile, placing her hand on Lydia's arm sympathetically. "Sergio is Emily's cat, sweetie."

"Ah," Lydia replied, slightly blushing with embarrassment over her mistake and delight at Sage's use of a term of endearment. "Her comment about going home to a sweet pussy makes a lot more sense now."

The agents all laughed, glad that they had invited the police detective. JJ glanced over towards the bar to see where Emily had gone and bit her lip at the sight of the brunette leaning over the bar, trying to get the bartender's attention, her tight jeans emphasizing her shapely ass. _God, how I have missed that woman_, JJ thought, a slight smile on her face as she realized that she was incredibly glad to see Emily, no matter how much drama there seemed to be between them.

Turning her attention back to the group's conversation, JJ's eyes widened as she heard Garcia boldly ask, "C'mon, gumdrop! At least tell us when the last time she got laid was?"

Sage rolled her eyes. "Best sex I've never had," she muttered under her breath, remembering an incident that she had been forced to listen to while her team was at a hotel in Paris and she had unluckily gotten a room right next to Emily's.

"What was that?" JJ asked.

"Nothing," Sage replied.

"Oh, no," Garcia interjected. "I definitely heard the word sex, and we were discussing the brunette bombshell over there, so you better spill!"

"And why's that?" Sage asked, somewhat angrily on behalf of her boss – and friend. "Because you're nosy, interfering busybodies who just don't know when to quit?"

"Sage," JJ responded, not understanding why the redhead got so upset so quickly and trying to calm her down. "We care about Emily, and we want her to be happy."

Sage laughed ruefully. "Ya don't even know do ya?" Her accent became more pronounced as she continued. "Ya have no idea how much you messed with her." JJ looked confused as Sage glared at her. "Ya let her believe that she could have something that she wanted desperately, and then you married Detective Bad-Accent and asked her to be happy for yas. And you have no idea what you gave up. Em is a beautiful, brilliant, amazing person, and if you really cared about her, you'd stay out of her life before you make her slit her wrists again."

Emily had been walking up behind Sage while she was lecturing JJ, whose eyes flashed with surprise as she watched the brunette's face change from wistful to angry in a blink. "I'm flattered that you care so much, Sage," Emily said quietly. "But how about you take your own advice and stay the fuck out of it." Emily downed her whiskey in one gulp, slammed the glass down on the table, and turned to leave the bar.

JJ followed Emily outside, grabbing her wrist before the brunette could reach her government-issued vehicle. The blonde pulled up Emily's sleeves and gasped. "Oh, Em! My beautiful Em, why?" JJ brought Emily's left wrist to her mouth and gently kissed the long, raised scar.

"Because I had a bad day," Emily replied, sounding calm yet roughly ripped her arm out of JJ's grasp.

Undettered, JJ stepped forward and placed one hand on Emily's cheek. "You can talk to me about anything, Em. I love you."

Instead of leaning into the caress as JJ had expected, Emily quickly stepped backwards. "Don't start this, JJ. You're not going to like where it ends."

Unbeknownst to either woman, the three remaining agents had followed them out of the bar and now stood nearby, listening as the conversation continued.

"I'm just trying to help you, Em," JJ was saying. "Please let me help you."

"I think you've helped me enough already. Don't you have a husband to get back to?" Emily replied bitterly.

"Oh, for heaven's sakes, Em, just forget about Will for one minute and talk to me," JJ begged.

Emily's eyes widened. "Forget? Forget about the asshat you married the day after I risked my life to save his?" Emily raised her voice. "Forget about the jackhole whose arms you ran to after I saved his sorry ass? You've got a lot of nerve to ask me to forget for even one second that the cretin you claim to love never even said thanks, and, oh, by the way, sorry I stole the love of your life who you were fucking behind my back for four years. Forget?" Emily laughed humorlessly. "I'd give almost anything to be able to forget you both." With this last bitter comment, Emily turned away from JJ's tearful eyes, keeping her back straight as her face fell, the anger draining into sheer pain. She bit her lip to keep from crying out at the agony of it all.

Emily slowly walked the remaining distance to the standard dark sedan, wanting so badly for JJ to stop her, to run to her and tell her that she was wrong. That she really did care. That she had pined away for the last two years, just as Emily had. But Emily knew better than to expect it. Not from JJ. Not from anyone. _Never again._

x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x

Dancing with JJ at the new club on 5th felt so good. The blonde's bare arms around her waist, pulling their hips together, her breath mingling with Emily's as the intense eye contact aroused them both. One corner of Emily's mouth turned upwards in a half smile as JJ's hands reached up underneath her shirt, dragging her nails over Emily's pale skin. Emily closed her eyes for a moment, reveling in the feeling that she was here with her Jay and no one else. For once.

Then she felt JJ turn around in her arms and opened her eyes to see a random man with dark hair and beady eyes, approximately two inches shorter than her. And his hands were on JJ's hips. Emily glared at him, but he barely glanced at the brunette; he just leaned forward and asked if he could buy JJ a drink. _What the hell?_ Emily thought. _Who the fuck has the nerve to hit on a woman who is clearly here with someone else? He must have an ego the size of Jupiter and a three-inch dick._

Emily expected JJ to reject him, laugh off the awkwardness maybe. Say she was gay, perhaps. Something. Anything but what she actually did. JJ giggled in a high-pitched tone, smiled broadly at the man, and, in her best vapid, valley-girl voice, said, "Sure, I'd love that!" Turning to Emily, JJ leaned forward and whispered into Emily's ear, "He's hot! I'll be right back. You don't mind, do you?" Before Emily could respond, JJ had linked her arm with the man's and walked away, leaving the brunette alone on the dance floor.

Emily's eyes narrowed. She heard laughter behind her and turned. A rotund, balding fellow wearing a bright blue football jersey commented, "You got played, sistah. How 'bout you come dance with me for a while? I'll make you feel all better."

Emily just raised an eyebrow at the man, shook her head, and made her way to the bar – directly opposite from where JJ and her new toy were deep in conversation. Emily knew she shouldn't drink too much since she had driven to the club, but watching JJ flirt with the random asshat made liquor a neccessity. When the bartender made her way over to the section where Emily was sitting, Emily ordered a whiskey neat. "Strongest you got. And make it a double." When the bartender returned with the drink, Emily downed it in a flash and ordered another.

Emily considered her options as she sipped on her second whiskey. She could just leave, but then JJ would be alone in a big club with a random stranger. Bad idea. She could go dance with number 84 over there, but that made her feel nauseas. Worse idea. She could sit here, drink whiskey, and watch the train wreck that was her so-called love life unfold. Horrendous idea. But really, what other choice did she have?

Emily sighed, sipping her third – or maybe fourth – glass of bad whiskey that tasted like motor fuel, or maybe antifreeze. She almost wished it was antifreeze, as she saw the asshat lean over and start kissing her Jennifer. Emily felt her whole body stiffen, her muscles beoming rigid, and suddenly the glass in her hand broke, spilling alcohol onto the bar, which then dripped down onto her jeans.

Emily just stared at the mess for a moment, until the man next to her noticed and grabbed a pile of napkins to sop up the spill. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Your hand is bleeding."

Emily looked at the cut on her palm, her hand still dripping with the brown liquid. "I'm just stellar," she replied sarcastically. The man turned around, muttering something about only trying to help, but Emily paid no attention. She brought her hand up to her mouth and licked the cut. The taste of blood and whiskey mingled on her tongue, the metallic tang almost soothing Emily's nerves for a moment.

Then Emily looked up and didn't see JJ. Her eyes widened as she began to worry, knowing intimately the things that could happen when you went home with a random guy. She looked around anxiously, and relaxed minutely when she finally saw JJ and the asshat walking hand-in-hand towards the stairs that led to the restrooms. Emily jumped up and followed at a discrete distance. For JJ's protection, of course.

Despite the events of the evening, Emily was still not prepared when she started down the stairway and heard JJ's sexy giggle turn into a moan, loud enough to be heard over the somewhat muted music. Emily closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Telling herself that she had to go wash her bleeding hand anyway, she continued down the steps and, at the bottom, looked around. The restrooms were to her left, but to her right she saw the asshat pressing JJ into the wall, with one of JJ's legs wrapped around him. JJ's eyes were closed and her head was thrown back as the asshat sucked on her neck noisily, one hand on her ass and the other squeezing her breast.

Emily just stared for a minute, not quite knowing what to do. JJ had left her to be with others before – both men and women – but it had never been this blatant, this overt, this . . . whatever this was. Feeling a tear roll down her cheek as her chest constricted, Emily entered the ladies' room, locked the door, and covered up the sounds of her sobbing by running the water in the sink. She sank to the floor, hugging her knees to her chest, and let herself go for perhaps the first time.

_This is it,_ Emily thought as she continued crying. _This is how all my illusions shatter. She doesn't love me at all. You don't do shit like this to someone you love. But then, she never promised me anything. She never said she wanted me for more than what we are. It's my own fucking fault. I read too much into everything she did – and not enough into the things she didn't do. _Emily made a fist with her injured hand, and the pain calmed her, focused her. She closed her eyes and dug her short fingernails into the wound, drawing fresh blood as her tears dried up and her eyes became stony. _This is what I get for trusting. Never again._

x-END FLASHBACK-x

Emily was jerked out of her reverie by the slamming of the passenger door. "I'd offer to drive, but I think I might actually be drunker than you," Sage stated, ignoring the tears on Emily's face. "Back to the hotel?"

"I'll drop you off," Emily replied softly. "There's something I have to go do."

"No way, Em," Sage told her. "I'm not letting you go anywhere alone right now."

"I'm fine, Sage," Emily said, trying to keep her voice even.

"No you're not fine," Sage answered angrily. "The last time I saw you this not fine was the day before I found you unconscious in a pool of your own blood. So don't even try it tonight."

Emily glared at her agent as Sage glared right back. Finally, Emily dropped her gaze. "Okay. You win. Back to the hotel." Emily started the engine.

"Damn right I win," Sage muttered as she stared out the window, her arms crossed across her chest.

Emily sighed. She knew that Sage cared, knew how much Sage cared. _Things would just be so easy if I could get over JJ and love Sage,_ Emily thought as she drove. _Why can't it just be easy for once in my life? I mean, she's smart, funny, and actually cares about me. But she's not my Jay. Fuck, I wish I could get over this shit already._

When they reached the hotel, Sage grabbed Emily's arm and told her, "We'll stop at my room to get some things, but then I'm sleeping in your room. No arguments."

Emily closed her eyes and nodded, acknowledging to herself that she truly was not fine. Not even a little bit fine. When they finally arrived at Emily's room, she asked, "So can I use the bathroom alone, or do you intend to watch me in there, too?"

"If you let me check the bathroom and pat you down first, then you can be in there alone," Sage replied seriously.

"Stop treating me like I'm suicidal, Sage. I'm not going to kill myself," Emily informed her overly-protective friend.

"But you were going to hurt yourself," Sage said; it wasn't a question.

Emily sighed again. She thought about lying but decided that it wasn't worth the effort, since Sage would just treat her the same way anyway. "I guess I was thinking about it," she admitted, looking at the redhead plaintively. "If I promise not to do anything to hurt myself, can I at least go take a shower?" Emily made it a question even though she knew that she really could just physically kick the smaller woman out of her room. But she didn't want to do that; Sage's behavior was coming from a good place, and, if Emily was honest with herself, she knew that she needed the supervision.

"Only if you leave the door cracked so I know you're not locking yourself in," Sage said.

"I promise," Emily replied softly. "And thank you."

Sage nodded, knowing that the gratitude was for much more than her illusory permission. "Always."

x-x

Emily managed to hold back her tears until she started her shower. Annoyed that Sage had taken her razor away, Emily used a washcloth instead to scrub her skin until it was red and raw. She turned the water as hot as she could stand it and scrubbed even harder. Her tears just seemed endless. She thought about punching the marble shower walls but refrained, remembering that she had promised Sage not to hurt herself.

It took more willpower than Emily thought she had left to keep that promise as she looked down and caught a glimpse of the clover shaped scar on her left breast. She coughed with the weight of what that scar meant. Not too long ago, she had considered getting a tattoo to cover it up, but decided against it. She sometimes needed the reminder – not of Doyle, but of JJ's reaction to the whole situation. It was the beginning of the end for them.

x-BEGIN FLASHBACK-x

"Why didn't you tell me, Em?" was the question that Emily awoke to after her first surgery. She couldn't speak due to the ventilator, and even if not for that, the pain would have kept her silent.

JJ didn't notice that Emily was awake at first. She had been sitting at Emily's bedside for two days until finally the doctors eased up on the drugs so that she would regain consciousness, and JJ had spent most of that time talking, pleading with her unconscious friend to come back to life, promising her the world if only she would wake up and be okay. It was only in the past few hours that JJ had started feeling angry at the brunette. Why was she so closed-mouthed? Why did she have to do it all on her own? Why wouldn't she ever ask for help?

"Damnit, Em," JJ said aloud, "Why didn't you just tell me?" JJ sighed. Then she heard Emily cough, choking on the tube in her throat. Tears immediately sprung to JJ's eyes as she gazed down into the deep brown orbs that she had been craving. "Oh, Em," she gasped, and then, at another cough from the brunette, she shook herself out of her daze and pressed the nurse call button as the doctor entered the room. JJ snuck out as Emily's attention was diverted.

"Ok, Emily," the doctor said cheerfully. "I'm going to remove the tube now, so when I say go, I need you to exhale as hard as you can, okay?"

Emily nodded slightly, and the doctor said, "Go." An awful noise tore out of her throat and burned like breathing fire, but at least now she didn't feel like she was choking anymore. The doctor brought a cup full of ice chips to Emily's lips and instructed, "Only a little at a time, okay? I know it hurts so don't speak until you feel up to it, okay?"

Emily nodded, becoming annoyed at the way the doctor ended every sentence with a questioning 'okay.' As if she had a choice in the matter.

As the doctor helped Emily move into a more upright position, adjusting the bed accordingly, JJ re-entered the room. "I had to call everyone to let them know you're awake. They'll be here as soon as they can." She picked up the cup of ice chips from the table and said, "Here, let me help you with this."

The doctor said, "Well, it looks like you're in good hands here, Emily. I'll be back to check on you later, okay?"

Emily simply glared at him, thinking, _You just had to go and save me, didn't you? Rip me out of that wonderful void, that terrific blackness, and throw me back into this hell. This pain. _Emily stared at JJ as the doctor exited the room. _And that pain, too?_

JJ took a deep breath and sat down again. "Oh, Em," was all that the blonde could choke out through her tears. She reached up and gently ran her fingertips over the brunette's face. Emily closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the sensation. Then JJ began talking. "Why didn't you trust me, Em? You could always tell me anything. We could have helped. _I_ could have helped. You didn't have to go through this alone. But you always do this, Emily." Although JJ's tone grew angry, her hand on Emily's face remained gentle. "Oh, Em, I love you so much, why do you always have to hide from me? You know I don't care about your past; I just care about my best friend."

At that comment, Emily coughed out, "No fair. Can't talk."

JJ chuckled and fed Emily a few more ice chips. As the blonde opened her mouth to say something else, Garcia and Morgan ran into the room, speaking over each other as they expressed their joy at seeing her awake.

Morgan took Emily's hand – the one not taped all over with IV tubes – and squeezed, a single tear sneaking down his cheek. Emily smiled at him and squeezed back.

Garcia tapped Emily's foot and said, "Well, this room is ridiculously dreary. How do they expect you to recover in this gloom? It's a good thing you won't be here for too long or else I'd have to come and decorate. With pink glitter!"

Emily grinned at her friend, choking out, "No, anything but that!" Garcia and Morgan laughed loudly as Reid, Hotch, and Rossi entered the room.

Morgan gave up his spot to Hotch, who grasped Emily's hand lightly and brought it up towards his face, placing a soft kiss on the back of her hand. His facial expression remained stoic, but his eyes were soft and wet as he gazed at Emily.

Rossi had taken Garcia's spot near the foot of the bed and raised his eyebrows at Hotch's unusual actions. Trying to ease the awkward silence, Rossi said, "Hey, kiddo. Glad to see you're not sleeping on the job anymore." The spell was broken as everyone except for Reid and JJ laughed.

For his part, Reid had knelt down next to the bed, somehow managed to lay his head down next to Emily's, and whispered, "Please don't ever scare me like this again, Emily. I need my big sister here with me."

Emily smiled at Reid, a tear finally escaping from her eye. She rasped quietly, "I'll always be here for you, little brother. Always." Reid smiled and closed his eyes, clearly just enjoying being in the brunette's presence again.

JJ smiled at the familial atmosphere, but then felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. Pulling out the offensive device, she rolled her eyes as she saw Will's name. Again. JJ walked out of the room to answer his call this time, seeing the doctor enter as she left.

Inside, the doctor smiled at seeing his patient looking better already. "Ok, since we're in the ICU, I'm going to pretent that you're all immediate family so I don't have to kick you out, but I do need check on my patient's wounds, so if you wouldn't mind waiting in the hallway for a bit, okay?"

The team trooped out, and as the doctor began to remove some of her bandages, Emily asked, "So, doc, when do I get to go home?"

The doctor laughed. "Hopefully next week," he replied as he continued his exam. "Everything looks promising, but you need to be under observation while your insides heal. Don't push yourself too hard – it'll only set you back in the long run, okay?"

Emily sighed and nodded impatiently. Her friends had taken her mind off of the pain for a while, but now that they were gone, it had come back with a vengeance.

Noticing the pinched look on Emily's face, the doctor reached out to up the dosage of her morphine drip. "Don't be ashamed to admit you're in pain, agent. It's not brave; it just prolongs the agony." The doctor spoke with true compassion. He had treated cops and agents before and he knew a martyr-type when he saw one.

As she watched the doctor leave the room, Emily's mind raced. She didn't know how to cope with any of this. Pulling a bandage on her chest down, she looked at the clover shaped burn etched on her left breast. The skin was an angry red, almost the color of blood. Sighing, she replaced the bandage over the wound as JJ entered the room, looking serious. She sat down next to Emily's bed, but couldn't look at the brunette. Emily waited patiently for JJ to speak, knowing that she wouldn't like whatever the news was.

Finally, after moments that seemed like hours, JJ said, "The team just got called in for a case. Missing little girl. Morgan is outside – he'll stay here with you."

"Do you have to leave too?" Emily asked softly.

JJ sighed. "No, I'm taking a week or two off. I just need to…to think about things. You've really hurt me, Em. You lied to me, kept things from me. You've broken my trust, and I don't think things can ever be the same between us. I love you, but I don't think I'll ever be able to trust you again." JJ stood up. "I need to go home to Will and figure things out. Try to wrap my mind around how the one person that I trusted the most – my best friend – could do this."

Tears flowed from Emily's eyes yet she remained silent.

"Don't you have anything to say for yourself?" JJ demanded angrily.

"What do you want me to say?" Emily replied hoarsely. "Everything you said is true. I hid things from you, lied to you. After I promised never to do that. But I'm not sorry, Jay. I saved your lives. All of you – Morgan, Garcia, you. Even Will. Doyle threatened to kill you all, and he could pull it off. He would have just to get to me. So I ran to save your lives. You would have done the same thing, and you know it. So don't expect an apology, Jay." Emily coughed harshly, her throat burning after talking so much, and JJ saw blood on her lips.

JJ wiped Emily's mouth with a tissue and gave the brunette some more ice chips. "I'm going to leave now, Em. And when I see you again, we'll be JJ and Emily, not Jay and Em." JJ leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on the brunette's lips, then walked out the door.

Morgan entered the room and saw Emily's tears. "Oh, Princess," he said softly as he pulled a tissue from the box on the table and patted the salty liquid off of Emily's cheeks.

"She hates me," Emily whispered. "Was what I did so wrong?"

"No, Emily," Morgan replied seriously. "Now you listen to me. You did what you did because you thought it was the best way to keep us all alive. And you succeeded. We're alive, and you're still here with us. That's all that matters." He took Emily's hand and pressed it to his chest. "You feel my heart? It's still beating because of you. And if JJ can't see that simple fact, then she's an idiot."

Emily bawled, and Morgan embraced her, letting her cry on his broad shoulder. Then he held down Emily's arms as she tried to tear out her IVs and rip off her bandages. He finally yelled for a nurse when Emily managed to rip open the scab forming over the brand on her chest. One nurse ran in and helped Morgan hold Emily down as she called for more assistance. Another nurse ran into the room, jabbing a syringe into Emily's thigh. Within sixty seconds, Emily had calmed down and seemed asleep.

The first nurse turned to Morgan and asked, "She's an agent, right?"

"Yes," he replied.

The nurse sighed. "Suicide watch tonight?"

Morgan looked down at his friend sadly. "Yes. Would you mind if I stayed with her?" He hadn't taken his eyes off the woman he called his sistah-from-another-mistah.

"As far as I know, you're her twin brother," the nurse replied, exiting the room briefly to retreive the correct paperwork.


	9. To Feel

NOTE: Since some of y'all want Emily and Sage together, and I need to get out some sexual frustration, this chapter is more MA than M. Hope y'all enjoy...

9.** To Feel**

Emily's flashback took the breath out of her. She gasped, clutching her chest, as remnants of the pain pulsed through her body. But despite the agony, there was something missing. Like a black hole deep inside of her sucking out all the emotions connected to the pain and washing them away with the bathwater. She had to get it out of her. But how, when she wasn't allowed to hurt herself. Trying to catch her breath, she pondered the situation.

Suddenly, Emily's reverie was broken by a kind voice. "Emily, are ya all right in there?" Sage asked through the almost fully-closed door.

A small smile grew on the brunette's face as she realized what she needed to take the edge off. What she needed to feel alive. "Be out in a minute," she replied, her voice deeper than usual.

Emily shut off the water and wrapped herself in a white hotel towel. Not bothering to brush or dry her hair, she walked into the main room, her hips swaying seductively. The brunette licked her lips as she saw the redhead sitting on the bed. "Sage," she drew out the name, her deepened voice startling her friend.

Sage looked up, and her jaw dropped as she saw Emily in nothing but a small towel, which covered either too much or not enough – she couldn't decide. Water still dripped down the brunette's limbs, and Sage swallowed hard, wanting nothing more than to run her tongue slowly along those rivulets, tasting the softness of the skin underneath. "Em, wha?" She was so overwhelmed that she couldn't form complete words.

Emily dropped the towel, making Sage's eyes bulge. The redhead had loved the brunette, wanted her, for such a long time. But to see her now, in all her glory, Sage thought she looked like nothing less than a goddess.

"I need you to touch me, Sage," Emily said, slowly approaching the bed where Sage still sat, stunned.

"What are ya doin', Emily?" Sage panted, confused and yet so aroused.

"I need you to touch me," the brunette repeated, placing her hands on Sage's shoulders as she straddled the redhead's lap. "Touch me," she ordered, her dark eyes boring into green ones.

Sage's hands remained beside her on the bed as she swallowed dryly and spoke the hardest words she had ever spoken before. "We shouldn't be doin' this, Emily."

Emily slowly ran her hands down Sage's arms towards her hands. "I know you want me, Sage," she said softly. "Do you think I haven't noticed you watching me when you think no one else is looking?" She picked up Sage's hands with her own and brought them up to cover her breasts. Squeezing lightly, Emily's mouth opened as she threw her head back and moaned, grinding her hips down onto the seam of Sage's jeans.

Sage felt her center contract at the sound of Emily's moan, the feeling of her body, and those perfectly shaped breasts in her hands. Her pulse raced, yet she remained motionless, wondering if this was all some cruel joke or simply a dream.

"I need this, Sage," Emily whispered, her eyes finding the redhead's again. "Please, Sage, touch me." The brunette drew Sage's right hand down her abdomen to cover her core. "Please," she repeated as she guided two fingers to her entrance.

Beyond the point of no return, Sage began to circle her fingertips around the brunette's entrance, eliciting a deep moan and a gush of moisture. "You're so wet, Emily," the redhead marveled.

"Please, Sage," Emily begged. "Fuck me." Sage was powerless to resist and immediately drove two fingers into the brunette, causing Emily to moan loudly, "Yes!"

Sage matched the rhythm of her thrusts to that of Emily's hips as they rose and fell. Curling and rotating her fingers slightly, Sage panted audibly as the pitch of the brunette's moans rose higher and higher.

Emily dug her fingertips into Sage's shoulders, balancing and grounding herself as her climax drew closer. "More," she ordered. "Now!"

Sage was overwhelmed and unbelievably aroused. Surrounded by the softness of Emily's skin and the heady scent of sex, the redhead inserted a third finger into the brunette's warm core.

"Yes! Just like that!" Emily moaned, her hips speeding up and her fingertips digging into Sage's shoulders.

Sage moved her thumb up to circle the brunette's clit, eliciting a high-pitched whine. Then, suddenly, the redhead stopped moving her thumb and simply pressed down on the hardened nub while pinching a peaked nipple between the fingers of her other hand. Emily's muscles stiffened as her center exploded, the hard contractions driving waves of pleasure throughout her entire body. Slowly, she relaxed, and Sage withdrew her hand, a light flutter and whimper chasing her fingers out. Emily's bones felt fluid, and she wrapped her arms around her friend as she collapsed, breathing heavily, her head on Sage's shoulder and a small smirk on her face.

Sage embraced the brunette and closed her eyes, inhaling the sweet scent of Emily's skin and running her hands up and down Emily's back as she recovered. The redhead had never before been so aroused yet so satisfied at once. And ever so confused.

Emily's breathing began to slow, and she placed a soft, open-mouthed kiss on her friend's neck. Despite the warmth she felt within, Emily knew she had completely fucked up. Of course she had noticed how gorgeous Sage was, but she had always promised herself never to do to the redhead what JJ had done to her – never to lead her on, let her think there was more to their relationship than friendship and mutual admiration. But she had done it anyway; she had used Sage for her own selfish desires, and now she was probably going to lose the best friend she had ever had. Emily closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, finding the scent of lilacs and earth delectable. Kissing the redhead's neck again and feeling the speed of her pulse, Emily decided that she would just this once give in to her demons and make this experience as good for both of them as she could. Grinding her center down onto the seam of Sage's jeans again, Emily nipped the redhead's neck playfully.

Sage inhaled sharply; Emily's teeth had somehow found just the right spot on her neck to drive her pulse southward. "Emily, we should talk about – "

"Shhhhh," Emily interrupted her friend, placing one finger against the redhead's lips. "Talk later, strip now." The brunette grasped the hem of Sage's t-shirt with one hand, the other grasping her jaw to bring their lips together forcefully.

Sage felt Emily's teeth graze her bottom lip as she pushed the brunette back to look into her deep brown eyes. As confused as she was about what this would mean, what their relationship would be like tomorrow, Sage knew that she wanted Emily, and she saw that desire, for tonight at least, reflected in the brunette's eyes. Forgetting everything else, Sage quickly pulled off her shirt, wanting to feel as much skin contact as she could.

Emily licked her lips in anticipation as the redhead's creamy skin was revealed. Sage was not one to wear low-cut shirts, and Emily was very pleasantly surprised at just how perfect her friend's breasts looked through their black lace covering. Sage's nipples tightened, feeling the brunette's scrutiny, and she pulled Emily back towards her for another heated kiss. Tongues entwining, the two women moaned in unison. Emily unclasped Sage's bra as the redhead's hands wandered down her back to her ass, squeezing the flesh lightly.

The brunette pulled back from the kiss and threw her friend's bra over her shoulder, not caring where it landed. With one hand on Sage's shoulder and the other gently grasping her breast, Emily pushed the redhead down onto her back and rubbed one thigh across her core. As Sage's back arched, Emily pinched her nipple, eliciting a sharp gasp. A smirk crossed her face as the brunette moved quickly to unbutton the redhead's jeans and pull them, along with her matching black underwear, off. Enticed by the shimmering red curls, Emily placed her knee between Sage's thighs and stradled one of her legs.

Ever so slowly, Emily lowered herself onto her friend's body, groaning as her skin slid against Sage's. The redhead moaned loudly as Emily's thigh met her now-uncovered center, and she felt the brunette's fluids drip onto her own thigh. Sage's hips bucked upwards, seeking more pressure, as Emily ground hers downwards and bit down on Sage's hardened right nipple. The redhead moaned again as she gripped Emily's buttocks tightly, trying to pull the brunette down against her, and the two women began to grind against each other faster, panting in unison.

Emily felt Sage's engorged clit tremble against her thigh and knew she was already so close to orgasming. Trying to slow down and draw out the redhead's pleasure – and remembering how flexible her friend was – Emily moved backwards, pulled one of Sage's legs up towards her shoulder by the ankle, and ground her center against Sage's dripping core, eliciting a wordless yell from the redhead. But Emily hadn't realized how amazing it would feel to have the moist warmth sliding against her clit, and the brunette's back arched as she cried out, "Fuck, Sage!"

It only took two more wet strokes for Sage to climax loudly, the strength and intensity of the orgasm surprising her as she dragged the fingernails of one hand up Emily's lower back, the other hand gripping the comforter at her side tensely. With one last stroke, Emily felt a gush of hot, sticky, wetness against her clit and came again, pressing her core down onto Sage's as hard as she could. Each woman could feel the other's center contracting against her own, and the intense sensation drew out both women's orgasms for several minutes until finally Emily collapsed on top of Sage's body.

As the two recovered, Emily breathed, "Woah."

Gasping for air, Sage replied, "Emily. . . fuck. . . that was . . . "

"Intense," the brunette finished her sentence.

"Yah." The redhead sighed. "I don't think I'll be able t' move 'til t'morrow."

Emily chuckled as she raised herself up to look her friend in the eyes. "Aw, don't tell me you're exhausted already." She wetly kissed Sage's ankle, still gripped in her hand. "I'm not done with you yet."

Sage felt her back arch and her eyes close involuntarily as Emily kissed, licked, and nipped her way up the redhead's calf. When Emily reached the inside of her knee and bit down, Sage's hips bucked and she moaned, "Ohh lord, Em!"

Emily watched Sage's center drip with new arousal and licked her lips, swallowing hard. Despite wanting to get right to the point, Emily restrained herself and slowly kissed, licked, and nipped her way up Sage's inner thigh. When a particular spot so close to the redhead's core elicited a sharp gasp, Emily paused, sucking at the skin hard and making sure to leave her mark.

Sage's hands had migrated and she wove her fingers into Emily's silky hair. "Please, Em," she begged, pulling the deep brown locks slightly.

Emily simply moaned in response and slithered her tongue up Sage's slit, curling around her throbbing clit once and eliciting a loud moan before returning to focus her attention on less sensitive areas. Sage was becoming more and more vocal as Emily continued to lavish the redhead's inner lips with her tongue and teeth. Finally, Emily delved inside, tasting the redhead from her source for the first time. She tasted just like she smelled, like lilacs and earth with just a tinge of sour green apple. Emily moaned at the complexity of the flavor, and Sage cried out in pleasure wordlessly. The brunette circled her tongue just inside the redhead's center, loving the sensation of Sage's inner muscles twitching against her tongue. Then Emily thrust her tongue as deeply as she could, reaching for that special spot, and heard Sage's responsive moan as the redhead's hands twitched in Emily's hair.

Knowing that Sage was close, Emily quickly moved upwards and wrapped her lips around the redhead's exposed clit and sucked hard. Sage's hips bucked up violently at the sudden sensation, prompting Emily to flick the tip of her tongue against the tip of Sage's clit and scrape her teeth softly along the length of it.

The sensation was like nothing Sage had ever felt before, and she never wanted it to end. "Oh sweet lord of fuck, Emily!" she yelled as she felt like all of the muscles in her body were contracting at once.

Emily drove two fingers into the redhead's core, and Sage cried out as she came. The brunette slowed the movements of her lips and tongue as Sage relaxed slightly. Then she grinned, curling her fingers inside the redhead's core and pressing down, rubbing that rough, sensitive spot in small circles.

Sage's breathing sped up again at the new stimulation, and Emily added a slight thrusting motion that tore an actual scream from the redhead's throat. The redhead unintentionally pulled Emily's hair hard as her hands formed fists due to the strength of her climax. The brunette sucked hard on Sage's clit again, extending her orgasm for a few more precious seconds. Silky fluid gushed from Sage's core, and Emily's eyes flew open as she felt a squirt of liquid hit her cheek.

Sage panted hoarsely as her body slowly relaxed, and when her arms flopped to her sides with one final moan, Emily was able to move her head up to observe her friend. Sage's eyes were closed, her eyelashes trembled sporadically, and her lips were curved upwards in a small, satisfied smile. She let out a soft whimper as Emily withdrew her fingers, clearly incapable of speech at the moment.

Emily licked her fingers clean as she continued to watch the redhead recover. As her friend's eyes fluttered open, the brunette smirked and commented, "I had no idea you were capable of that."

"Wha?" Sage tried to reply.

"You ejaculated." Emily's smirk grew at the redhead's confusion.

"Em?" To the brunette's amusement, Sage was obviously still completely befuddled.

Emily laughed softly as she placed a chaste kiss on her friend's lips. "Don't worry about it. Just get some sleep."

"I think I'm passin' out," Sage rasped, her throat feeling dry and sore and her eyes drifting shut.

Emily stood up, feeling pleasantly sore, and covered the sleeping redhead with a blanket she found in the hotel room closet. She walked into the bathroom, her smile fading as she realized just how seriously she had fucked up. Yes, the sex had been amazing, but she had never wanted to hurt her best friend. _Was this how JJ felt after we crossed that line?_, Emily thought. _Did she regret even the good times we had together because they led to such despair? What have I done to my best friend?_

Leaving the door slightly ajar so that Sage wouldn't worry if she woke up, Emily turned on the water to fill the bathtub. Trying to avoid looking at herself in the mirror, the brunette puttered around, finding some bath salts and adding them to the bath. After a few moments, Emily stepped into the tub and sat down in the almost-scalding water. She wrapped her arms around her knees and let the tears flow.


End file.
